Honesty Goes a Long Way

My Friday session went well. I was able to bring the things I’d been journaling, learning from the past, and memories that were surfacing. I cried a lot, was able to share about my abandonment issues I had toward my T, and be honest about all of it. None of it was easy, but very necessary.  One thing I realized, while discussing my past was always feeling as if people would walk out of my life, but actually it’s from my own pushing away. If I push other’s out, then they can’t leave me. This isn’t a new revelation, but it was new in regards to a therapist I used to see.

I had seen this T in 1989-90 for my eating disorder. My bulimia had been the worst it ever been, and my friend begged me to get help. This was the second T I’d ever seen, and she seem to understand eating disorders and what I was going through. Actually, she was the last therapist I’d seen since I met my current T.  There was some major abandonment there, and it’s probably why I never looked for another therapist in 22 years!  I couldn’t bear having another person “see me, know me and care about me” and then leave. My thinking about how all that happened was distorted and we were able to talk through that, it detail, on Friday.

My T reminded me that she is NOT leaving and she is walking this journey, along side me, until the end! It brought an instant tightening of my chest and a pool of tears in my eyes. Seriously, you WANT to do this??? You really do CARE about me?? You are not going to leave ME??  Why not?? No one wants to hear all this crap! Those were huge pieces to let settle within my mind in that moment. Honesty is a funny thing, once you start….it just keeps going!  And then you’re like, “Did I just say all that?” LOL

giphy“I can always find someone
To say they sympathize.
If I wear my heart out on my sleeve.
But I don’t want some pretty face
To tell me pretty lies.
All I want is someone to believe.

Honesty is such a lonely word.
Everyone is so untrue.
Honesty is hardly ever heard.
And mostly what I need from you.”

Wow! Sorry, I got a bit lost in Billy Joel. 🙂

Anyway, I felt good.  A bit nervous about my honesty, as it felt a bit exposing, but overall we had a great discussion.  I had some things that the little ones inside wanted to share with her, and I have wondered how the newer parts were doing, since we really haven’t revisited them. But we didn’t have time to get to all of that.

Then about 3AM I woke up with the onset of a migraine-WTF! Really? Can’t I have one day of reprieve? Now what? I started by taking allergy medication, hoping once again it was an allergy….as you can guess, it was a no go.  By 7AM I was beginning the migraine regimen and preparing for a day laying in bed. And that is exactly what happened….out for the day! I hate the feeling, but almost hate the day after even more. I feel hungover, have zero energy, and go from the couch to the chair because I feel so lethargic.

Of course there was this added piece I haven’t had before, and that was this horrible hip and upper leg pain.  I thought at first it was because I laid in bed all day, but I’ve done that several times and never had this feeling afterwards.  So now I’m curious as to what caused this pain, if it is medication, parts of me, laying in bed…very perplexing.  I sent a text to my T, telling her I had another migraine. Since she reminded me of my lack of communication the week before, I knew it was important to let her know.

She wanted to know if I felt up to talking on the phone Saturday, but I was “out” and not able to talk, then Sunday she asked if I wanted to come in on Monday, but she doesn’t see clients that day…so why should she have to come in for me??  I’ve been told, by “those damn therapist” friends of mine, that it’s not up to me to worry about my T schedule. But it is hard for me to think she would care enough to the make time. As she puts it, “No need less suffering allowed.” I’m learning….and trying!


7 thoughts on “Honesty Goes a Long Way

  1. I am impressed and inspired by your honesty. Your post and words really resonate. The idea of people leaving, but you doing the pushing. I do that all the time. One thing my therapist said is that we abandon people before they can abandon us. I hadn’t thought of it that way, but it made me think more closely. I don’t want to abandon people in my life, because I am afraid.
    It is hard, I really resonate with your struggles in therapy. I often feel I can’t tolerate her leaving so I keep pushing. I think one day we might feel the trust, or feel that they won’t leave. I hold that hope. And sorry again about the migraines. Yuck.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yes, I may not feel as strongly about her leaving as much , but it pops up at times. Then I ask myself if I’m pushing her away…I know, truly, that she isn’t walking away. I hope that begins to settle with you too.
      Therapy is hard, damn it! No nice way around it!! That’s why I want to punch people in the face who say, “Just get over it and move on.” You HAVE to go through it!
      Each step easier than the last; you are closer than you’ve ever been. Don’t forget that!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. You are so right, no nice way around it. This makes me feel so much better, hearing someone acknowledge how HARD it is and how excruciating the process is, of really feeling the feelings and going to those emotional painful depths. This is very encouraging, I appreciate your candor and support quite a bit.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. I’ve “left” several therapists just when we really started to get close and connect. It was not a conscious pattern for many years. It is a huge sign of growth when you can recognise it. I think the body is like the baby that didn’t get support all those years ago. It can send up symptoms of its distress to us, which may speak of preverbal pain and longing that might not have had anywhere to go. Its just something I thought of when I read this. Great to read about the gut level of your difficult healing journey.

    Liked by 1 person

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