Monthly Archives: May 2016

EMDR: “That Shit Really Works”

The title is in honor of my ‘damn therapist’ friend who I mentioned in my last post. The first time I saw the two therapist’s I work for (whom I call those “damn therapists) do EMDR, I was completely amazed.  My prior experience wasn’t so good, but as I sat behind the camera filming them for certification, it was jaw dropping watching the process unfold before me. Not that I didn’t think they were great at what they do, because they are incredibly gifted therapists. That’s why the name, ‘damn therapists’, is a term of endearment. I kinda lump my own therapist in there too because they are all so damn good and sometimes too good- if you know what I mean.  You can’t get away with anything with them. LOL

Anyway, back to my “experiment” today in therapy. I was very nervous, but felt completely safe. We met at my T office and my DTF (damn therapist friend) was there to start at 9AM. It absolutely helped to have my own T there and in a familiar place. My T has a pretty laid back personality, but can also take on a strong, aggressive stance when needed. I felt that strong personality when I walked in her office, and it felt comforting, not that I was in danger, but to know she had my back no matter what happened! And since we were both new at this, that was probably an appropriate stance for her to take.

My DTF went through how it would work, which I was prepared for in advance, and asked if we had any questions. I let them know my teenage part- B, was going to participate and she good okay to be there. No other parts were going to be involved, so I made sure they were all safe and tucked away in their rooms. 🙂

My DTF used the bilateral stimulation through directed lateral eye movements-using my eyes to track the therapist’s hand as it moves back and forth across my field of vision.  Initially, I had difficulty tracking…no surprise there! But after a couple of tries I began tracking her two fingers and quickly, very quickly things began to surface. giphyThis is the piece that made me nervous, because she wanted me to say whatever it was that came up- and did I mention, OUT LOUD! I couldn’t try to fix or change it before I spoke it out loud…oh the pain of not filtering! How was it suppose to come out just right? Oh, it’s not?? There’s no right or wrong answer? What have I gotten myself into here? But I pushed through, right or wrong, good or bad.

I established my negative cognition of, “I should not trust people” and my positive belief (which I struggled with) “I can discern that I can trust people”.  So all my sets had to do with the fact that I have trusted people who ultimately have hurt me in some way or another. Then my teenage part, B came and rocked my world with the information she processed out loud. You know that moment when you hear something so shocking that you are like, “What the f*** just happened? Did she just say what I think she said?”

Yeah, that is what happened. I’m listening as she is present, speaking and revealing this information that has everyone in the room reacting in different ways. I want to stop this process, and get out of there. I catch a glimpse of my DTF, who is trying desperately to not show her reaction, but I saw it and knew how she felt about it. UnknownThen I hear my T, who’s sitting to my left, do what I call the Junie B. Jones, “huffy breath”.…5x! I could hear her deep sighs as B was talking about something a trusted friend had done several years ago. All that information we heard, only confirmed my negative thinking that I should not trust people…they will hurt me!  And this hurt, badly!

I was ready to wrap up the EMDR session and end all of this emotion and processing. My DTF did a great job of repeating my positive belief and that there are people in my life who love, care and will be there for me! I was grateful, but it was hard to hear. As soon as my DTF ended the session, I got up and headed to the bathroom. The 3 of us talked briefly and then I was left with my T for the remaining 45 min. Not enough time to understand what we heard, but we both agreed to one thing…we may never have received this information from B if we didn’t choose to do EMDR. I’m fairly sure she wouldn’t have shared this any other time. Perhaps this is why she agreed to this in the first place?? Maybe she wanted to do this, so she didn’t have to carry this around anymore. Either way, it was a good choice, even if I thought it was only going to be an experiment.

I headed out to my car, but I knew I needed to get more grounded. I was not in a good place, so I decided to go for a walk.  The tears began to roll down my face and I couldn’t stop thinking, “What is so wrong with me, that I am a magnet for crazy people who want to hurt me?” I walked for about 15-20 minutes before returning to my car. I noticed my T walking toward me, she must have seen my car still parked outside and came to check on me. I love that she cares enough to do the little things. We talked outside for about 30min. and she helped me get more insight as to what I need to do for myself. I thanked her for caring so much. She responded, “You don’t have to thank me. I hope you do know that I care that much. You make it easy. If you need anything, just let me know.”

Will I do EMDR again?  Probably….very likely. I had the same feelings afterwards like I do when I have been switched for a long period of time in session. I’ve had a headache all day, been physically and emotionally exhausted, cried several times, and been very angry as well. The difference is my parts are usually sharing memories from my past, it’s over and I don’t have any connection with my abusers. This new information today, affects present day relationships, and I am not sure what to do. Of course, it happens on a Friday and I won’t have another session until Tuesday. UGH!

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Trying Something New…

Tomorrow during my 3hr therapy session, I am going to try EMDR. It’s kind of an experiment, a favor, and potentially beneficial. Now I know you are thinking, “This girl has lost her mind! You don’t do EMDR for those first 2 reasons.”  Well, maybe not. It’s an experiment because I’ve tried it several years ago (prior to my DID diagnosis), but I was, at that time, unaware of my parts. Needless to say, it didn’t go well. Oops! My bad!

My T has never seen it done or knows much about it, other than the negative comments from her other DID clients. I have seen it done, effectively, and I believe it would be helpful for her to see it. And it’s a favor for my ‘damn therapist’ friend, who is exceptionally gifted in EMDR, and trained with DID. That leaves the potentially beneficial piece. LOL. I know it will be beneficial, but I am a little nervous. We are targeting a non-traumatic issue, so it shouldn’t be too uncomfortable…right??

Well, I know enough about EMDR to be dangerous. 🙂 I know what to expect, to some degree, know it can take me down many paths, and could open me up to things I’m unaware of right now. I know I will be present, which is different than me switching back and forth between parts, and that scares me. Not in the fear sense, but the fact that I may be emotional beyond what I’m feeling on the surface. I am both nervous and eager to try it with a better understanding of myself and the process, an EMDR trained therapist, and having my own therapist in the room.

I doubt this will be something that I continue doing, but I want to have a positive view of it (for myself) and it will bring up things I need to work on too. I’m feeling anxious about one area I am sure will come up and it involves my therapist. And just saying out loud brings it to the light, yikes! We will address it at the right time, I have no doubt. I have complete confidence in my T, I know she is committed to seeing me through to healing, and she truly cares about me and all my sweet parts. She works hard, gives of her time and makes it possible for me to have extended times and days…she truly is a blessing and a gift from God. She is incredibly talented in working with DID clients and it’s evident in my own life.

For the past 6 months I have been visualizing a place that feels incredibly safe for me. Not knowing this was going to happen (we decided 2 days ago), I’m glad I started looking for images a long time ago. Here is where I would go, if this was a place, just for me and my insiders! It is safe, secluded, beautiful, warm, cozy, and perfect. I could go here whenever I want too…

 

M.I.T.~ Missing in Therapy II

Over the weekend the pain returned and by Monday morning I couldn’t sit; the pain was horrible. By 9:30AM, I was texting my therapist for help! We knew there was one more part affected by this pain, we didn’t get to her last week and I was sure this was all about her. My therapist asked me to come that afternoon at 1PM; we would have a 2hr slot to work.  Even though I had a session on Tuesday, she didn’t want me to experience the uncomfortable pain any longer. I’m starting to feel like I should pay rent to her office. 

We talked some about what I could remember or not in regards to this 7yr. part (k). I didn’t have much, only a few scattered and broken pieces of memories, none of it really made sense. If you’ve been following my blog, this is the young part who we got the doll baby for  in December. She was so excited to get this sweet doll, who she named Lily. I was told by the inside to bring the doll to therapy, and I’m so glad I did.

FullSizeRenderMy therapist stepped out for a quick moment; I had already switched and was laying on the couch curled up in a ball, afraid and in intense pain. My T walked over, picked Lily up, out of the bag, and held her in her arms. She talked about the day they went shopping for her, how sweet, cute and cuddly she is, that she was so thankful the k finally had her doll. This set the stage for trust and reassurance for k to share her memories and abuse. She took Lily and told my T to smell her, “Cause she smell like cookies”, k said. My T leaned over and smelled Lily, and sure enough, she said, “Yes, I never noticed before. Almost like vanilla. That makes her even more special.”

My T began to tell k that she realizes it’s hard to talk about these kinds of things, that she is completely safe, that she will be right her with her, holding her hand and everything was going to be okay. She also addressed the fact that k always wants her mom, but that isn’t possible, and she never believed her anyway. My therapist said, she could tell her the things like she was a mom (which she is), because good mom’s believe their kids and want to protect and care for them. k began to share the most hideous, terrifying, and sickening things I could have ever imagine a 7yr old experiencing.

This is where the mom in me cannot understand how a mother can let this happen?? How she simply doesn’t know it took place, and in her denial makes it unimaginably worse for her daughter! What the HELL!! I will NEVER understand this, ever! Abuse to anyone is ALWAYS, ALWAYS wrong, but to a child…that takes it to another level that is not only appalling, but barbaric!

I guess I am feeling some major anger inside…as I should. I know it is the past, I cannot fix her or what happened and there isn’t any reason to try. What is best for all of us, is for me to love, support, nurture, and encourage them. Remind them that they are safe and loved, something they never had, ever! I am extremely proud of k for her courage and bravery, her strength and faith. She is strong but sweet!

My pain ended officially that day…it always amazes me how that happens. I am grateful, blessed, and encouraged that this “anniversary date/month” has almost come to an end. We fought hard, came out better and stronger. I understand more of my past, and it only validates and confirms why I need to continue zero contact with my family!  It isn’t easy some days, but I can NEVER put any of us through this again. Sometimes cutting off all contact and communication is the only safe and healthy thing to do for YOURSELF.  Even if they or whomever, doesn’t understand, it really doesn’t matter….because it’s not about them. We have to take care of ourselves. Do what is best for ourselves. It isn’t selfish, wrong, bad, or shameful….it’s called FREEDOM to HEAL!

I pray for the person reading this today, that needs to hear, “You are not alone, it’s okay to do what is necessary to heal and be free.”

M.I.T.~ Missing in Therapy

**Trigger Warning-sexual abuse causing  rectal pain & surgery

This past week I’ve pretty much been, what I am calling: MIT-Missing in Therapy. Last weekend I started having this horrible rectal pain and some bleeding; please stop reading this if it’s at all triggering.  This is important for me to get out of my head, even though I did lots of work in therapy this week. I’m only, in the past year, understanding the significance of anniversary dates.  Some I catch right away, or anticipate, but others, I still get blindsided. For some reason, I think, if I anticipate them, it will be worse because it’s on my mind. Maybe not.

Anyway, this all happened last week; I’m just getting around to putting it into words. Last Sunday I finally let my husband and therapist know I’d been experiencing the pain and bleeding. That evening the pain was almost unbearable and I couldn’t even sit.  My therapist offered to see me Monday (her day off), but in my stubbornness I responded, “No”. I had my usual Tuesday appointment; I thought it could wait until then. As you may guess, it wasn’t a good decision on my part. It took several hours to get myself to work, I couldn’t stay focused, or sit for more than 5-10 minutes and I couldn’t wait to crawl back into bed.

Tuesday’s session started with my 8yr old part, Wendy. I had known that this type of pain was affecting several parts, for different reasons, but each one feeling horrible pain. I had reconstructive surgery, in 2003, to repair all the damage to this area. Every year, during certain months, the pain surfaces. This time of year is the date of the surgery. We have already discussed the trauma with each part, but wondered if there were missing pieces or layers we hadn’t uncovered. For Wendy, it was the memory, she was in pain and it was heart-breaking to hear her suffer. I was able to have some memories of my own and learn more too. I know ultimately this is my past, they are a part of ME and it is imperative I accept and own all the memories- no matter how painful.

I went home, crawled into bed, took some pain meds (to take the edge off), even though they don’t really work, and tried to sleep. I had experienced some relief of pain, but not to the degree that was comforting. My T and I had agreed to meet again on Wednesday, in fact she said, “We will meet everyday if we have to so you don’t have to be in pain.”  I think at first I thought she may be kidding, but she wasn’t!  We planned to speak  with another part feeling the same pain. That night I had some vivid dreams about the relationship with my husband, around the time we had separated (many years ago), that I wasn’t familiar with. My teenage part, K (not her full name), shared some of those things I had dreamed about, new things, and it clearly caught me off guard. Again, the goal is for her to get through the layers, while I listen and support her 100%…no matter what!

I attempted to go to work afterwards, felt some release of pain, but still couldn’t sit in a chair. I worked standing up, but ended up laying on the couch talking through the session with my “damn therapist” friend. These are the days I’m glad I work for therapist’s.  They understand what I am going through, they are supportive, encouraging and exude grace beyond belief. I know I couldn’t work anywhere else, I wouldn’t last, but also they show kindness and offer their expertise when needed…or when they think I need it. LOL

My day didn’t last long, since I couldn’t do much of anything at work. The drive home was excruciating, sitting in traffic was uncomfortable, though thankful for the heater in my seat. Back in bed, pain pills on their way down, and praying for sleep and less pain. Even though my pain was a little less, it wasn’t gone. And once again, I was going to therapy the next day for a long session. By this time the pain shifted and it wasn’t in the same place, so I knew it belonged to my other teenage part, B (not her name). I had restless sleep, felt anxious about this next session, being as it is the part who endured violent sexual abuse.

I attempted to go in to work the next day, but again, not able to sit or be productive. Still it allowed me to focus on something other than the upcoming session and the pain (at least that’s what I told myself). Shocking, I know…it didn’t work very well. giphy

This strong, tough, confident, direct, sarcastic, leader, part- B, was not looking forward to going back and uncovering another layer; she made that crystal clear! I hated it for her, but we have all been down this road before, and she knew, as well as myself, what needed to happen.

I was figuring out, from the intensity and change of this pain, exactly what type of abuse she endured. My therapist has asked each one of them, at different times, if this type of abuse had taken place. Each one said no, but I wouldn’t have had this surgery 13 years ago if violent abuse didn’t take place. As B shared, she hated every minute of it, she made it though-so proud of her. She left to vomit, and we sat in the bathroom, on the floor and cried.  Finally, we made our way out and back into my T office to somehow settle all this hideous content!  B walked back in, my T had a blanket waiting for her (she NEVER would want that-too tough), but she sat down next to my T, took the blanket and slowly, very slowly, curled up next to her and found comfort.

I know I’m leaving plenty out, yet I wanted to close by saying how incredibly comforting it was to listen to my therapist talk to B about how proud she was of her, that she was so sorry, that she worked exceptionally hard, that it was okay to cry and vomit and that God will and has always been there to hold her up. That doesn’t happen everyday, or in most situations like this; I’m blessed to have a therapist who loves the Lord, and mentors my parts…and ME!

We have one more part, a very young one, who needs to talk.  She has only been “out” 2x since I’ve started this journey.  She is extremely scared, and not very trusting. I know she will be able to do this; I’ve prayed for her to be strong and Tuesday she will have her day. She too, will be pain-free, find freedom and be closer to healing.

 

I Think I’m Done

This week has had some great things and some really shitty things happen. The medication I started last week has kept me more focused, less dissociated and the biggest thing….SLEEP!  I know it’s only been 5 days, but I am up to 5-6 hours of sleep, this is twice as much as normal.  I am grateful that my doctor was willing to experiment and listen to my suggestion.  No one knew how it would work; I don’t even know if it will last, but I’m celebrating the sleep that is happening right now!

Back to the title of this blog…somewhere along the way I feel as though I am not doing well with myself, in therapy that is. I haven’t been able to get myself to the place, that my parts have, with my therapist.  Maybe the reality for me is too much. I wasn’t worth shit to my parents, wasn’t valuable enough to fight for, protect, or even keep from abusing. The thought of lying down, in a street, for cars to run over me, sounds like a great idea right now!

Over four years of working my ass off, in therapy, to get where….laying in the street?? It’s clear I’m doing the whole ‘throwing the baby out with the bathwater’ thing. My catastrophic thinking is in full gear.  I didn’t go to therapy Tuesday, not going tomorrow. Hmmm, I’m doing really well! SHIT!

giphy

Friday Meltdown Part 2

In my last post , I shared about what happened after last Friday’s therapy session.  I was not involved/present during the session, which I did on purpose.  My little one’s had planned to visit with my T and I didn’t want to be there.  That probably sounds bizarre, why would I choose not to be present during therapy.  It was the questioning of my friend, the “damn therapist”, that triggered feelings I was completely unaware were buried. The question as to why I chose not to be present in that session left me with swirling thoughts, sharp pain, tightness in chest, and a deep sadness welling up quickly.

While crying in my closet (my crying place), I realized the one person who could help me, put words as to why I wasn’t present, and get me to a calm place, was my therapist. I have been working intensely toward being honest and upfront with my T about my past, how I’m really feeling, and what I need. It isn’t comfortable at times, but extremely necessary and important.  With that in mind, I apprehensively called my T. Not gonna lie, there was a moment when I felt like,  “What if she answers; what will I actually say?” LOL

Of course she answered, asked if I was okay, and right away I started crying all over again. Seriously, I couldn’t even hold it together for a, “Hi, how are you?” Ugh!  I told her that I had been asked about why I chose not to be present during the session; she wanted to know as well. Shocker!! I began by saying it was, at times, uncomfortable to see myself sitting there as a child (but 47 yrs old), listening to my T read my favorite picture books, and feeling so at ease. It’s hard to wrap my head around all that, but I know this is how it all works.

The biggest reason- my mom never read to me, but the babysitter did. The lady who babysat for me (5 yrs old) and my siblings, was married to a pedophile who would sexually abuse me when he came home for lunch. When he would leave, she would rock me in a chair and read books to me…like somehow that was going to fix the problem!!!  Later, when I was 19, I started therapy for my eating disorder. My first attempt at therapy, and I only went because my really good friend/mentor was noticing I was acting strange when it came time to eat.  She was the first person I told about being bulimic, she freaked out, and like a good codependent (didn’t have a clue what that was at 19), she found me a therapist, drove me there, and had actually met with her once because she didn’t think it was going well-yikes!

I began to share with this friend, things no one knew about me. I trusted her with information, but mostly she was the first person I thought truly cared about me. She saw the dysfunctional relationship with my mom and was shocked by her constant behavior towards me. It was soothing to have someone care, encourage, and love me for who I was.  She allowed me to be a part of their family, watch their kids, and see what a loving family looked like.  Unfortunately, she saw me as her child, and wanted to mother me through these difficult days…that’s when I learned the word codependent. Her intentions were good, but unhealthy. And one day, after therapy, I drove to her house and broke down emotionally about not having a mom who loved me unconditionally. I was grieving something I would never have, sad for always being criticized and judged, and pretending that we had this “great family”. She walked across the room, sat with me in the chair and rocked back and forth. Moments later, she was reading a children’s book to me and thinking it would bring a sense of comfort and peace. My child parts (I was unaware of at the time) attached to this lady who was very kind and loving. I remember feeling very small in that moment; I just didn’t know why.

2o+ years later, I see all the unhealthy attachment there, my therapist, at the time, saw it and point it out to me too. I wish I knew then what I know now, but we all could say that, and it isn’t helpful for today. I don’t have any connection with this friend; we live hundreds of miles apart. There is so much more about all that, but it will have to be another day, another post.

So, that is why I didn’t want to be in session. I was unable to separate myself enough to see the healthy parts of it, enjoy being there, and seeing this as a new and positive experience. All of this new information surfaced, became overwhelming and I was completely taken out emotionally. My T thanked me for being vulnerable, honest, and calling. She understood why I did what I did, and said we could work through it when I was ready…which is therapist code for “we will be talking about it next session”.  I know how those “damn therapists” work; they aren’t fooling me. LOL

The problem with working through the issue came when I didn’t go to therapy today…I took the day off to work outside in the flower beds, knowing that I really don’t know what I’m doing.  My mom always did the flowers, because I could never “get the right things”, “plant them correctly”, or do “enough to make it look good”. Another mental block where she is concerned and it paralyzed me again today.  First it was the books and now flowers!!  OMG

 

New Medication/Friday Meltdown Part 1

This weekend I started a new medication to help keep me focused, hopefully from dissociating as much during the day, maybe help with night switching (so I can sleep), and even keep me from going down that path of depression.  I have been on it for 3days, it works immediately, meaning it doesn’t take 2 weeks to get into my system, and so far so good.  I noticed I didn’t have difficulty on Mother’s Day with dissociating or feeling sadness, like I usually do on those holidays. Everything with medications and DID are trial and error, so this is an experiment for the next 30 days.  Looking forward to more of these “focused” days, less sadness, and maybe, just maybe, more sleep!!

Sleeping_the_day_away_-_3087394718

On Friday, I had a shorter therapy session, and my little ones spent the entire time with my T. They had wanted a time to read books and give her some things they had made/colored. I was aware of the special session, but wasn’t sure if I would be “present” for any period of time. As it turned out, I didn’t even drive us there!  My teenage part, who loves to hang out with my T, drove to the session and then to my work afterwards. I was in the parking lot at my office, when I realized I missed the entire session. My teenager spent some time getting caught up with my T and the little ones had the final hour.  They had made her a Mother’s Day card, along with (there new love of) origami. My T filled me in later, so I would know what all took place.  She sent a picture of the card; it was so cute I wanted to share what they wrote:

Happy Mothers Day (front of card)

 

Flowers are beautiful just like you.
And even though you are not our mom…
We want to say Happy Mother’s Day to YOU!! (inside)

They all signed their names on the back, cut hearts out of construction paper, glued them all over the card, brought her flowers, and gave her strawberry Laffy Taffy (because who doesn’t love that??) LOL!  Honestly, it was very sweet and I’m glad she sent me some pictures. They think she is a “really nice friend who helps and prays for them” and I’m glad they see her that way. My T has done an incredible job helping them understand that I am a Mom to them, not her. It has prevented potential attachment issues along the way, which has made it less confusing for all of us.

When I arrived at the office, I felt a weird sense of not being at therapy, even though I was there for 90 minutes. Usually, what happens is, I get shut out because a part doesn’t want me to be there, or I choose not to hear due to the nature of the memories being shared. This was simply another part stepping in, taking them, and bringing me to work…no biggie, right??

I probably wouldn’t have put much thought into it, but one of those “damn therapist’s” asked me how therapy went…My response was, “I think it went well, I wasn’t there.” She looked at me a bit puzzled, then I explained how I knew today was different, and my little ones were going to have “their own time” in therapy. Now for the average person, they would have simply said, “Oh, okay.” But not that “damn therapist”, she went on to ask another question; what is the deal with therapist’s and asking a shit load of questions all the time?? Ha Ha!

giphy

The next question was why didn’t I stay present to what was going on, don’t I usually listen/watch when I can? And then I felt the sharp pain! She wasn’t aware, but I certainly was, aware of how that question cut into the core of me. I blew it off quickly by saying I didn’t really want to be there for all that stuff. I’m a grown woman, and it’s hard to watch myself curl up on the couch, next to my therapist, to read children’s books (and that part was true). End of conversation….but not my swirling thoughts, sharp pain, tightness in chest, and a deep sadness welling up quickly!

By the time I began the drive home, the tears started streaming down my face, and I couldn’t shake the grief that was attached to the question, “Why wasn’t I present in therapy?” I believe I knew the answer and the answer was too painful.  When I arrived home, my husband greeted me as always, asked how my day went, and if I remembered it was Steak and Beer night?? Duh. *Every Friday my husband works half days, and makes the same meal for our family, or whomever decides to join. Steak, baked potatoes, marinated mushrooms, salad, corn, rolls… It is awesome!

It didn’t take long for him to notice that I had been crying, and then I literally lost it in the kitchen. I couldn’t stop crying! I was undone about it being Mother’s Day, not having communication with her (my mom) anymore, seeing cards and flowers at every store, listening to radio stations say all this sweet crap about mom’s, and now something about therapy set off triggers!  I had remembered I read my personality thought of the day, which said this…

Type One EnneaThought:  “It usually takes time to notice that you need something, especially in the area of emotional needs. But when you do realize what you really feel, by all means let others know.”

Ugh!  I went into my closet, changed my clothes, sat on the floor, cried, and thought about what “I needed emotionally”!! What did I need to do to get answers to what was happening to me?  I will share what I finally decided in my next post.

Mother’s Day: The Love/Hate Relationship

Mother’s Day is often a painful time. For those of us with DID, abuse, PTSD, etc., this day can be a love/hate relationship with the survivor.  I love it because I have two incredible sons; young men who I love and cherish deeply.  I would fight for them, no matter what! As a survivor with dissociative identity disorder, mom issues are complicated and difficult to sort out or make sense of. These issues are multi-layered and uncomfortable.

For some survivors, their mothers were simply not there to protect them from the violent abuse of the father, sadistic family members, babysitters, or other predators.  Whatever the reason, these mother’s were not there for their child; maybe they were the ones doing the abusing. So whatever the case my be, the issues around our mom’s create so many mixed feelings as this day approaches.

My story, with my mom, is she was too blind or too lost in her own denial or self, to be willing and/or able to protect me from abuse.  At that point she became irresponsible for her role in not protecting me.  She was in our home, and could have been instrumental in helping to protect me. However, out of her own fear or denial, she refused to look, to protect, or help.  Maybe she let her own fear overcome her and her willingness to save me. Or maybe, she just simply didn’t care, or thought I deserved it somehow. It wouldn’t surprise me if she acted as an accomplice….fear or not!

So every Mother’s Day, it is difficult for me (and I’m sure you other’s as well) who grew up with a mom like that.  It hurts.  No matter how much it hurts, at times I just want my mom. It’s confusing. The things I desired from her was never given to me, and it’s like a knife through my already broken heart. The anguish of wanting my mom to do something, anything to save me from this horrendous, scary environment, leaves a void deep within me. It is almost sickening to believe she would choose herself over her child’s safety and well-being.

The aftermath of such events in a child’s life do not heal quickly or easily. This gut-wrenching pain is felt for years, because it is wrong!  It is shameful, disgraceful, and pathetic….this is NOT what a mother does-EVER!

I didn’t have a role model that I could follow as a mom, but I was NOT going to make the same mistakes with my own boys!  I have made plenty of mistakes along the way, trust me, but none like what I have described above.  God, is His goodness, grace and mercy, helped me to do what I never learned to do from watching my mom. He could only have given me the strength to love unconditionally, support, care, fight for, protect, and provide a safe place for my children.  I am truly, eternally grateful for His grace and kindness.

Although it is going to be a day with joy and sadness; I know that God has given me women in my life to look up to, to seek when I need help. These women are mentors, godly women who remind me that God provides EVERYTHING I could possible need. Women who I can call without hearing criticism or judgment. Women who are safe, who will laugh or cry with me. I feel blessed to have these women in place of the one person who could never do any of those things. Thank you God!

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Thy Will 

This song seems to be my story! Music touches a place in me that I cannot explain; it puts words to things that I am unable to say. 

I know God is with me, He will never abandon me, or leave me in this place. He is molding me into what He has always intended for me! Even when I don’t understand, I know His promises are true and good! 

Thy Will