My therapist offered to see me on her vacation; we met this morning to get to the bottom of my anxiety/panic and migraine issues. It took 3 hours, but it was successful! Truly grateful my T gave up her own time to see me today. I feel undeserving at times, because she really does cares about my healing process, and that is not a message I received as a child. But I am learning…
My recent panic and migraines were from me not owning memories. It came down to me not accepting, explicitly, the abuse from my dad. I knew I was struggling in this area, and it wasn’t going away until I dealt with it. One of the hardest things about accepting the truth about the abuse was that it would involve me continuing to not have contact with my parents. I think, somewhere in this process, I had hoped there would be reconciliation. I’m not saying it can’t happen, but currently, they haven’t shown any remorse or taken ownership of their part.
I am angry and sad that my parents were some of my abusers (actually the worst), but I don’t hate them. It is mind-boggling to think of hurting my children. I have 2 boys, and I couldn’t live with myself if something like that happened to them, especially if it was me or my husband. I would rip someone apart if they EVER hurt my child like I was hurt. I feel sad for my parents, because they don’t get it. Forgiving them has been a process, and it’s taken me a long time, but it simply means I release myself from carrying the painful burden. It doesn’t mean that what happened was okay, by ANY means, or that I should allow them access into my life. It involves me surrendering it to God, and allowing Him to deal with them.
So today, I faced the realization that my T had seen for years….I just wasn’t ready. I had heard two of my parts share their stories about him, along the way, and I believed them, supported them, and have loved them through it all. But today was my turn to hear (again) and believe it to be true for myself. It was an emotional event, and as my teenager shared, she battled panic attacks and an excruciating migraine. She laid down on the couch, covered up in a blanket, with my T next to her (me) lovingly walking us through the process. It was not new information, but merely explaining the pieces I was not grasping. As I listened, it was important for her to know I was owning and believing her memories.
When I “came back”, my T was very encouraging and compassionate because I clearly was broken emotionally. Moments later I had to walk out, into the bathroom and let myself cry. Two things hit me while I was hiding in the bathroom crying:
- Why do I have to come in here to cry?
- My T has been modeling, for the past 4 years, healthy relationships; she isn’t going to abandon me for being emotional.
So I went back in and allowed the tears to flow, shared how it made me feel, and let it sit between us. She showed me incredible grace and compassion while I let the emotions out. It felt very odd, but yet comforting. It felt safe, something I am learning in my relationships with others in my circle. My husband has been a source of strength, but maybe I feel safer with him because I know he has to live with me. 🙂 Either way, I learned more about myself today in regards to the people in my life. They care, love, and support me in this journey…no matter how difficult (it) or I can be.
I had to skip work and go home, since I was completely exhausted; I hadn’t slept well for a week, I was crying, and my body was worn out. God has blessed me with incredible employers- you know them as those “damn therapists”, but they truly are a blessing to me.
When I got home, I put on my flannel pants, long sleeve shirt, grabbed my frog, my (real) dogs joined me, and I slept 4 straight hours!! When I woke up, the panic/anxiety and migraine were both nonexistent. Praise the Lord!