Where Do I Begin??

I haven’t been able to put into words what took place in last Friday’s session.  My goal was to go in, share the things that were upsetting, made me angry, and talk through all those pieces.  I knew my T would receive it well and we would discuss it until I felt closure. I was right; we discussed it all, she apologized and explained her thinking behind her decisions.  Honestly, it made sense, but I was glad she could see my point of view at the same time.

Going into the session, I thought maybe we wouldn’t need the full 3 hrs. especially if we would be able to work through my list…well that didn’t pan out so well. She had asked me if I wanted to discuss the comment I made in my sleep, that my husband told me about the next morning, “I don’t know if I should believe you or not.  I don’t know you that well.” At first, I thought we would just talk about it, even though I knew better.  She wanted to find out where the source of the conversation originated.  I don’t know why, but I said, “I don’t really want to do that right now.” She looked surprised, since I never run from getting to the bottom of things.  There was something about this that made me want to run…

 

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She paused and asked if we should ask someone on the inside what they know about the conversation, and who I was actually talking with. Neither of us said beforehand, but we both knew it had to be someone we hadn’t been aware of because I know all the parts well. So, I held my breath and allowed for the part she asked for came forth.

We asked  Cindy (my oldest part) to come and help us; she was there pretty quickly, and as fast as she arrived, the trembling began. I felt myself begin to shake, not badly at first, but it progressed as my T asked her questions.  I wanted to stop the process, but it was like being caught behind the glass window.  She was shaking intensely, so much so, she was unable to get words out.  My T gave her a pen and a small notepad to write a name or even if it was a part or me.

She was able to write a few things down, but mostly there was only confusion and physical reactions to the panic and stress.  She was able to tell my T that she needed to speak with a part named Sam.  “Sam?  Who in the he!! is Sam? I don’t have any parts by that name.”  …My T and I have talked about the fact, that from the beginning of my therapy, she had not asked if there was a part that was considered to be a “reporter”. We’ve joked about her not asking from the beginning; she usually asks for that part with every DID client.  Now that we are on the back side of my therapy, I hoped we never realized that I had this particular part, with valuable information…but whaddayaknow- I DO!

This is the part that keeps record of events, usually has not experienced trauma, and doesn’t have any emotion attached to what he/she records.  However, every system is different, this is just my experience…as of last week. Ugh! Anyway, Sam was helpful, to the point, stated the facts, and helped us connect to this “new” part.  In one session, I was made aware of 2 new parts (and I thought I was done finding parts). Never say never. 🙂

This new part, who calls himself M, is a protector.  I have a protector already, but this one seems a bit different than my current protector.  After the session, I did some research on protector parts, it is something I always seem to do when new information arises. It’s like getting a second opinion.  I know everyone with DID has different experiences with their communities; I also know we experience similarities as well.  I learned there are different types of protectors, and M is the kind that thinks he is protecting me by keeping me from moving forward.  When I read this, it seemed to match the behavior of M.

“Protectors may view themselves as a very tough child or teenager, or a physically strong, adult male. They can act internally, or show external hostility, e.g., telling a therapist that other alters don’t need them and warning the therapist to leave them all alone. Defensive “acting out” may be directed at a therapist or others close to the person.”

The difference with this new part,  I haven’t experienced with others, or at least to this degree, is the panic I feel inside. I have had 2 full blown panic attacks, since beginning this healing journey through DID. One that sent me to the hospital, another I had medication to help. I have had minor symptoms along the way, but they have been manageable.  M seems to bring a level of panic I’m not used to having and I am not handling well. I don’t want to medicate, but it feels overwhelming and I want it to end.  My T thinks M is being manipulated by an outside force.

As a Christian, and believer is Jesus, I know that Satan wants nothing more than to destroy the work we are doing, and keep me from being whole and healed.  In John 10:10  it says, “The thief’s purpose is to steal, kill and destroy.” But God’s response is, “My purpose is to give life in all its fullness.”  I know that when abuse happens, it is pure evil, and those who intentionally abuse, have evil intent.  And when there is evil, Satan is involved.  Keeping me stuck in trauma, and blocking my recovery and desire to be well, is in my opinion, the works of Satan.  My T, an incredibly, strong Christian woman, has seen a lot of this in her 20+ years of working with DID clients.  It is exhausting, dangerous, and something to be prayed about with fervor. James 5:16 says, “Confess your faults to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The effective, fervent prayer of a righteous man accomplishes much.”

Our approach with finding out whether there is an “evil source” manipulating M, must be dealt with carefully.  My T asked me to come today for a 2 hr. session, to start the process. Then I’ll have my regular one tomorrow and finally the Friday session. I get tired thinking about it, but I trust her, and believe God is leading in ALL of this.

More to come…

 

 

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3 thoughts on “Where Do I Begin??

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