My desire to be well has been the driving force behind my intense, long, and sometimes difficult weekly sessions in therapy. I do not want to give space for satan to “steal, kill, and destroy, anything we have done to this point. Even when I post the difficult feelings, I know the truth that God is always there, working, healing, and strengthening me to keep moving forward. It is easy to forget, especially when the view is clouded with doubt, fear, and being bad.
My T contacted me the other day because I attempted to cancel this Friday’s session. I emailed her saying, I need to cancel my appt. on Friday. Two minutes later my phone is ringing, and it’s her number. When I saw it was her name on my phone, it brought tears to my eyes, and I couldn’t answer. I’m not sure about the tears or why I couldn’t answer. She emailed back, rather quickly, with her response, No. At first I thought, she can’t tell me, No. Then I remembered that we had decided long ago, that if she needed to be direct with me, it was okay. I need that at times, especially if I get to the spiraling phase.
About 8:30pm that evening, she sent me a text asking why I hadn’t returned her call or responded to the email. I sent a text back saying, Good question. Really, I didn’t know why I hadn’t responded. I think it was the feeling of abandonment that has been pretty heavy for me lately. I have been pushing my husband and son’s away, along with isolating from my friends. My dysfunctional thinking is, “If I push my inner circle away first, they can’t hurt me anymore.” Not my best thinking, for sure, but it feels so real.
Our back and forth texting led to the decision for me to go to my session tomorrow. I am trying to prepare myself to share, honestly how I feel, and the issues from last Friday’s session. I have made copies of my recent blog posts, and plan on reading them to her. It will help me stay focused, say what I need (in case I cry), and give me a little courage. Finding the courage to say, “I’m angry at myself and you”, is going to be difficult. I already feel badly about the whole thing, feeling responsible for the mess I’m in emotionally.
Make this Affirmation today: “I now affirm that my feelings are legitimate and I have a right to feel them.”
These are the on-going, internal battles that I fight along this journey. They aren’t as frequent and they don’t seem to ‘take me out’ as long as they did before. I know I have the strength to fight, along with my T, who hasn’t give up on me.