After I published yesterday’s post, I felt like I needed to say more. There’s more you say? I’m clarifying some things and adding others.
First of all, I am extremely grateful for my therapist. She is amazing, and if you’ve read any of my posts; you would agree. She has spent countless hours with me in therapy, and communicating by phone, text or email. She goes above and beyond, it’s who she is, and I’m forever blessed. She is also completely unaware of my anger from last week-actually she would be shocked to know I was struggling with this so much. She isn’t going to contact me, save my appt. time or check in, and I’m okay with that.
Secondly, I can’t determine whether my anger is toward me, her or both. I know her well enough to know she would be puzzled (sad seems to personal) to know I am in this space with my anger. I am also aware that she knows me, the depths of me, more than any other person- she’s my therapist! And if I’m struggling, I should talk to her about those issues. I get all of that, but for some reason, I can’t.
My guess as to why I can’t talk to her is because it was hard for me to do it last week. I had to make an outline of the things I needed to say, I never finished it completely, but it didn’t matter anyway. Putting myself at risk to say why I was hurting/struggling, and then to have it all dismissed, was confirmation I did the wrong thing.
I feel I’m regressing back to how I was treated by my parents; it has taken over my thinking and reactions. I am not worth it or valuable enough to say what I need, because I’m so bad. If I wasn’t so bad, she (my therapist) would have helped me through the issues I brought up last week. Instead, we blew past them so she could talk to a 12yr old part of me. The message keeps getting louder in my head- YOU ARE BAD! WHATEVER YOU WANT TO SAY IS WRONG!
OMG! I can’t believe what just came out of my mouth…my typing. Do I believe she cares for my parts more than me?? Is there jealousy? Shit! I don’t know. I wanted and still want each one of my parts to feel safe, heard, loved and cared for. Maybe I simply can’t transfer that same thinking for myself…
Of course my 3 friends, you remember, they are ALL therapists, disagree with my thinking! That’s why I call them “those damn therapists” which truly is a term of endearment! However, I know logically, none of this makes ANY sense. I want to run, flee, go away, because I can’t talk about it without crying, then I get angry, then I’m crying, blah, blah, blah! They care about me, and want the very best. I am grateful for their friendship, sometimes irritated they are therapists, but blessed.
There’s no resolve, nothing fixed, and I’m no further along than before. I want to curl up in a ball and disappear. This makes me feel worthless and very shameful. I should know better, I shouldn’t behave this way, I should get over this, I should tell her how I feel, I should, should, should! What is wrong with me? I was doing so well…