Canceled Therapy!

Well, I canceled my therapy for tomorrow…me, not a part of me, just me! I’ve been struggling since Friday’s therapy session, and it’s not getting better. What is “IT”, you say? Good question, I have no idea.  The roller coaster of extremes is driving me to this place of completely shutting down.  I vacillate between anger toward myself and then at my therapist.  The only problem is, she has no clue, and won’t until I actually have to share how I feel inside.  Which leads to the next problem; I am not sharing how I feel! Why? Because it feels out of control.  “Aibi, please don’t go!”

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For obvious reasons, me sharing how I really feel would come out all kinds of sideways! I am sure there are all sorts of “psychology jargon” for what I’m experiencing, feeling and thinking. And I’m sure, therapist’s alike, would all say that it is normal. Well guess what?  I don’t care because it feels f-up to me. The anger from Friday is my fault for not going back to ask why we aren’t discussing these new things. This is my therapy, my sessions, my journey, so how can it be her fault? I needed to say something! Even if it felt like I’ve just done something wrong by saying them to her, it’s still my responsibility.

My spiraling goes down hill from there…in case you were wondering. So up to this point, in my therapy, if my appointments were canceled, my therapist would find ways to contact me.  She would ask if I was aware that my appt. was canceled. Normally, it would be news to me, and we would find out that a particular part was canceling. By this evening, my mind was all sorts of messed up and I’m thinking, “She didn’t even question the cancellation. She really only cares about my parts, or she would have said something.  I guess I did something wrong and she really doesn’t want to see me? Maybe I don’t need to go back.”

Geesh, how crazy, stupid is that?  But that is what I have been battling with all weekend, and that on top of the triggers, irritability with my family, and my emotions. I am a HOT mess; seriously, I wouldn’t want to see me either.  Oh, and I fight myself in believing I’m defective if I’m angry!  Never was allowed. No crying. No feelings.  No emotions.

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It is time to stop this madness…..

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6 thoughts on “Canceled Therapy!

  1. this sucks. anger at our therapists is always hard to deal with. I’m sure she does want to see you. She probably will call you tomorrow and ask what the problem is. Either way I hope you’ll be ok. Thinking of you, and lol about being a hot mess! XX

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I don’t think wanting her to question you is crazy at all! If I canceled and my therapist said “okay” or didn’t press, I would feel very abandoned and rejected and sad and hurt and furious. So your response makes sense. Your anger (which I think is at her and yourself, both, maybe more at her) is valid and real and it is okay to be angry. You have so many reasons to be angry, for all the history and trauma.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Thank you! I was able to talk through my anger; she acknowledged her errors in the session too. Felt closure with those issues. She was surprised I thought she would abandon me. Thanks for thinking about me!!

        Liked by 1 person

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