Well, I canceled my therapy for tomorrow…me, not a part of me, just me! I’ve been struggling since Friday’s therapy session, and it’s not getting better. What is “IT”, you say? Good question, I have no idea. The roller coaster of extremes is driving me to this place of completely shutting down. I vacillate between anger toward myself and then at my therapist. The only problem is, she has no clue, and won’t until I actually have to share how I feel inside. Which leads to the next problem; I am not sharing how I feel! Why? Because it feels out of control. “Aibi, please don’t go!”
For obvious reasons, me sharing how I really feel would come out all kinds of sideways! I am sure there are all sorts of “psychology jargon” for what I’m experiencing, feeling and thinking. And I’m sure, therapist’s alike, would all say that it is normal. Well guess what? I don’t care because it feels f-up to me. The anger from Friday is my fault for not going back to ask why we aren’t discussing these new things. This is my therapy, my sessions, my journey, so how can it be her fault? I needed to say something! Even if it felt like I’ve just done something wrong by saying them to her, it’s still my responsibility.
My spiraling goes down hill from there…in case you were wondering. So up to this point, in my therapy, if my appointments were canceled, my therapist would find ways to contact me. She would ask if I was aware that my appt. was canceled. Normally, it would be news to me, and we would find out that a particular part was canceling. By this evening, my mind was all sorts of messed up and I’m thinking, “She didn’t even question the cancellation. She really only cares about my parts, or she would have said something. I guess I did something wrong and she really doesn’t want to see me? Maybe I don’t need to go back.”
Geesh, how crazy, stupid is that? But that is what I have been battling with all weekend, and that on top of the triggers, irritability with my family, and my emotions. I am a HOT mess; seriously, I wouldn’t want to see me either. Oh, and I fight myself in believing I’m defective if I’m angry! Never was allowed. No crying. No feelings. No emotions.
It is time to stop this madness…..