What Do I Want to Do??

This has been a question I’ve been struggling with for the past 2-3 years.  I have maintained a full-time career, until I resigned from my job in January 2014.  I was unable to work and do the necessary transformation work of therapy at the same time. This has been the first time I’ve experienced inadequacies in my professional life.  It would be impossible for me to return to any of the previous positions in jobs I’ve held. This is both sad and frustrating for me!  I know the work I’m doing in therapy is extremely important, but the more I continue, the further away I feel from ever going back to having any type of career.

It is, like everything you read about DID treatment, the hardest, most grueling, painful process anyone can endure.  Of course, I told myself that would not be the case for me.  WRONG!  Now I am venturing into the work of myself, my feelings, my emotions, my memories…and it is overwhelmingly painful.  The emotions it triggers are, at times, too much for me to handle.

Trust God, Pray about it, Surrender your agenda, Be patient with yourself, Tell God I’m struggling (he already knows), Believe His plans are good, He will never leave you, He loves you, He will strengthen you…

I know and hear these truths all the time, but sometimes, I can’t do, see or feel any of it! I know in those moments, I am being attacked, and that satan wants nothing more than to keep me in this state of uncertainty, failure, worthlessness, and shame.  I want to be able to give back, share what God has done in my life, speak about DID-so others will have a better understanding and maybe help that person like me.

On days like today, I can’t think about taking another step. I want time away from therapy, I am afraid to share what I feel inside, how it feels to be me, and stay connected/present at the same time.  The roller coaster of wanting to fight through or running from, keeps me from seeking what it is God wants for me.

 

cala

 

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4 thoughts on “What Do I Want to Do??

  1. I absolutely understand that feeling. I have felt it many, many times the past 7 years. It grueling, but keep at it if you can. It’s worth it, It’s unbearably uncomfortable at times and feels crazy-making but worth it.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I hear your struggle. Its a tough call. Therapy is definitely a hard path, nothing about it is easy. Maybe in time you could do voluntary work or something if you think that would be beneficial. All is not lost. XX

    Liked by 1 person

  3. You are right in the thick of the really tough stuff, working through these fears and uncertainties and pain and it doesn’t get any harder than this. And it can even feel isolating to be in this place.

    Like

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