This feeling of sadness has been slowly consuming me since I left my session, today at noon. I can’t really explain it, but as soon as I got in my car, I wanted to walk back in and say, “What just happened in here today?” I had some things listed on my phone, to discuss, my memories that have always been unsettling. It was awkward to mention them, since it fails in comparison to the experiences my parts have shared. I know it is necessary for me to share, but it felt stupid. My T reminded me, that if it bothers me, or something I can’t let go of, then it’s important…not stupid!
I had been talking in my sleep last night, and this morning my husband sent me a text from work, letting me know what I had said. He never hears exactly what I say, plus he’s a heavy sleeper, so I was surprised. I said, “I don’t know if I should believe you or not. I don’t know you that well.” Of course, I immediately thought, “Oh man, there’s another part inside and I didn’t know??” Not that it is bad, but I feel like I’ve connected with all my parts at this point….but I know it isn’t out of the ordinary to have some in hiding.
Anyway, we talked about it for a few minutes, and never came back to figure it out. It feels undone, and a piece that was a brand new experience for me. It went on like this throughout the remainder of my session. Lots of information, but no closure. My 12 year old part, Mary, came and visited with my T. She is soft spoken, kind, polite, and wants to please people. They talked about things she wants to do, but is haunted by mom’s verbal abuse, judgment and criticism. She’s afraid to try things, based on what she endured for me, with my mom. She likes so many things I don’t, but she is opening me up to those new pieces…it is a learning experience. I am glad she felt safe enough to come, share, and feel heard.
The problem came when she was present up to the time my session ended. I was surprised when I was ‘back’, that is was noon. I felt a twinge of anger inside and thinking, “Why did she let her talk that long? She knows I hate getting up to leave without processing.” These are those moments I start my self criticism, and berating in my head. I hate that ugly, degrading voice! I blame myself for taking up time to discuss those stupid things, at the onset on our session. It’s my fault that I am sad, and having bouts of crying for no reason.
I don’t know if I’m anger at my T for not helping me close some of the doors that were left open or if I’m pissed off at myself for getting into this mess, in the the first place. I know I could email her or even call her, but I think, “What’s the point, it isn’t going to matter now. I should have known better.”
Unfortunately, I am getting triggered by every little thing tonight. I know I’m emotional and irritable too. It’s all I can do to hold in the emotions that rise quickly, and are full of intensity. I almost exploded on my husband and son…Ugh, I hate this!