Monthly Archives: April 2016

Share Your Struggles…You Never Know

It’s Thursday and I have had 3 migraines since Friday! I realize that this is completely wrecking me physically, emotionally and mentally.  I can’t be present to myself, my family, my job, my life….when does it end? I’m sick of myself saying the same thing over and over again. Then the kind words from everyone saying…This is temporary,  it’s only a season, it won’t last, the worst is behind me, God has this, God has me, I am strong, brave, courageous…blah, blah, blah

giphy

 

Now don’t get me wrong, I know all that is true! I am thankful for all of the support, but damn it, I want out of this pit. The crying is too much, and it comes out nowhere. I’m sure it’s a little depression; I certainly know what that feels like.  Not willing to get back on an antidepressant because I didn’t like the way it made me feel. My dissociation is stronger and more frequent, since I don’t like what it happening.

I attempted canceling therapy for tomorrow, using the migraine as a way out, even though it’s the truth.  However, the migraines are here because I need to talk through stuff and that means going to therapy.  My mental state has been so bad at times that I have wanted to call my parents so they can tell me I’m okay. Geesh! Like they have ever said I was okay…but that is where I am right now.

So right now I’m sitting in the dark, in my bed, alone, crying off and on (more on than off), my kids and husband are gone for the evening, and that is never a good combination. I have this “cocktail” of medication for my migraines, it only knocks me out, not the migraine, and I’m thinking, “Perhaps I should take 1 or 12 of these???”  I would be knocked out for sure- completely out!  But I’m not going to because it’s not who I am, who I want to be, and it’s not the answer.

So I want to share something I read tonight as I lay here in this depressed state….I believe God gives us exactly what we need at exactly the perfect time. I was going through and reading blogs that I follow, catching up and hoping to find some encouragement along the way.  This “blog community” has been a valuable resource for me in my healing journey.  But this particular blog I read possibly changed my perspective, well not possibly, it absolutely, without question, took me by the shoulders, looked me in the eyes, and unmistakably changed my thinking.

I don’t believe in coincidences, but believe God is in all things, speaks through others, even when they don’t realize.  God uses our struggles to make us stronger, but also when we speak them, share them, write them on a post; He will use them all!

Tonight when I arrived home from work, early, due to an oncoming migraine, I was taking my jewelry off and I noticed the 2 pictures I have hanging above my dresser.  One is when I was 5yrs old and the other I think 7 or 8.  I just stared at them for a moment and then got in bed and began to cry, thinking all this is so not worth another day!

And then I read Rachel’s blog post. This is what changed things for me.  She shared her struggles, who suicidal thinking, all the while being honest and vulnerable.

I don’t think I would actually pull the trigger. I don’t think, even if I had a gun, I could actually do it. Because I don’t believe in killing, and I am a person. And would be killing a person. And also, that 3 year old keeps flashing in my mind. That 3 year old me, I can’t shoot her in the head. I looked at an old picture, and just can’t imagine killing her. So I don’t think I am actually in danger, I just feel really bad right now. And I don’t even feel reactive about it, that I need to necessarily do anything about it, other than take care of myself and wade through it as best I can until it passes. Clearly something is being worked out.”

Thank you, Rachel! Thank you for being real, honest and seen.  You had no idea when you put those words out there that someone, somewhere, would be encouraged. God used your life experiences to get me through a difficult place.

12798088_1717512191869117_1207203206_n

 

 

Hidden

I have been noticing that since it’s my turn to process memories, understand the abuse, feel the emotions from anger to sadness (and everything in between), and talk about “my stuff”; I want to hide!  I told my T on Monday that it is extremely difficult, even painful to know that “she sees me” and I allowed that to happen.  I have been so guarded- walls up, masks up and ready for attack- that this feels completely out of control.  Am I glad that she sees me? Yes, at some level, it helps with working through DID and my parts.  But now that it’s just me…I don’t like it very much.

I have been experiencing migraines on a weekly, sometimes biweekly, basis. They are different than the ones I shared with my teenage part; I’m getting the full brunt of pain. I know my sweet husband is sick of coming home to me being in bed, completely shut down from the world, life, him and our boys. I don’t have any idea what is happening; I feel lost and confused by this new turn of events.

I was and still am an advocate for my parts to share, be present, and heal. So why, then, is this different for me? Why do I feel as though telling my T things will cause abandonment or shame and me being so bad or unworthy of care, comfort and guidance? She offered those same things to the parts of me, would she be able to do that for me?  And then, why do I care? Shouldn’t matter, right?  I don’t need anyone….never had anyone when I needed them in the past. 

I am messed up-shit! Hello Captain Obvious, this is NOT a news flash…no one is running to the Editor-in-Chief with this information; it’s old news, back page, last column, bottom, right corner: This Girl is F’ed Up!

drop mic….

giphy1.gif

Just When I Think Things Are Changing

“The closer you get to God the more satan will send pain your way but what satan forgot was that when you are in pain, you are more susceptible to being blessed by God. God gives us strength in the time of our weakness.”

“My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.” So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me. (2 Corinthians 12:9)

47188414c6d10bb734e75c87149522e8When am I closer to where God wants me to be or when I am close to receiving a breakthrough from the Lord; satan shows up to try and disrupt things.  The closer I get to God, and trusting that He is healing and bringing freedom; the more satan tries to attack the things I am doing.

 

What I’m learning is, when I can clearly see the things God is doing, start celebrating the good that is happening; I get blindsided and taken out.

Right after my last post “New Day”, I had a migraine, that once again, put in a dissociated state. One of my teenagers and another part took me to work, helped me get through the day and stayed in contact with my therapist.  I had taken medication that is not possible for me to function, but I needed (in my opinion) to be at work. I know, dumb choice! It is one of the “good” things about having DID, you have options when you can’t be “out”.

My T was texting with B (my teenage part) to see if she thought I could meet with her at the office or maybe even talk on the phone. B didn’t think I could manage having any conversation, so by the afternoon, she took me home. Even though I know it happens, it always shocks me as to how this all happens.  The migraines have usually originated from another teenage part-K. She and I share them, but my T seems to have some way to help her through, and knock it out.  It was the first time that I had the migraine alone, and it seemed to cause an exuberant amount of chaos internally.  The really sweet thing was, each part pitched in to help me function, and I feel so blessed that they care so much!

When I made it home late afternoon, my husband said I walked through the front door, said nothing, went into the bedroom, and stood there looking around like I was lost. He knew right away that I was not good. I immediately remembered the migraine and had to go lay down. My husband has never experienced a migraine, so it’s hard for him to understand I need a quiet, dark and cool room, in my bed  and no talking.  I wish he could understand it isn’t possible to simply lay on the couch and watch TV. My T has migraines and another friend of mine too, so it’s nice to have those who empathize and understand what is needed.

After I slept it off, I was able to communicate with my T about the day, read all the back and forth texting and had an overall view of what took place.  She suggested I come in Monday for a session, even though I have my 2 regularly  scheduled sessions for the week.  At times, I feel like I’m never going to get back to one session a week, especially with all the 3rd sessions I’ve added lately….Ugh!  But the goal is healing, and I cannot lose sight of that right now.  No matter how many sessions it takes, I want to get to a place of wholeness.

My little ones, on the inside, say when all is good it’s like the sun is always rising, and there is no more darkness.  What a beautiful picture of how it will be someday.  No more darkness, no more pain, no more tears….just celebrating a God who loves us, saved us and called us home!

Sunrise

New Day

Today I woke up refreshed and ready for my morning run.  My 4 hrs of sleep yesterday after the session and 4 more last night, made me feel energetic and rejuvenated. I easily forget what it is actually like to get sleep.  Running is easier too; it clears my head, and the conversation is always good and entertaining.giphy1

I’m excited about having some breathing room, so to speak. I don’t have a migraine, chest pains from anxiety, or body memory pain and it feels so exhilarating.  I’m learning to celebrate all the progress along the way…even sleep! It doesn’t take much, huh!

I have a better understanding of what I need to work on, even though it may not be pleasant, it will be healing for me. Steps forward, even small steps, are progress, healing, and healthy. Feeling blessed by how God never leaves me in those places of wilderness.  Somedays it feels like I’m never going to make it out, but it is in those times, I believe, He is the closest and most present.  Imagine wondering around in the wilderness, having no idea where you are going, but at the same time, trusting the One who will lead the way to freedom!

I don’t know what tomorrow will be like, and God doesn’t want me to worry about it anyway.  He has my back!

winter-trees-by-ahisgett

Special Session

My therapist offered to see me on her vacation; we met this morning to get to the bottom of my anxiety/panic and migraine issues.  It took 3 hours, but it was successful!  Truly grateful my T gave up her own time to see me today.  I feel undeserving at times, because she really does cares about my healing process, and that is not a message I received as a child.  But I am learning…

My recent panic and migraines were from me not owning memories.  It came down to me not accepting, explicitly, the abuse from my dad. I knew I was struggling in this area, and it wasn’t going away until I dealt with it. One of the hardest things about accepting the truth about the abuse was that it would involve me continuing to not have contact with my parents.  I think, somewhere in this process, I had hoped there would be reconciliation.  I’m not saying it can’t happen, but currently, they haven’t shown any remorse or taken ownership of their part.

I am angry and sad that my parents were some of my abusers (actually the worst), but I don’t hate them.  It is mind-boggling to think of hurting my children.  I have 2 boys, and I couldn’t live with myself if something like that happened to them, especially if it was me or my husband.  I would rip someone apart if they EVER hurt my child like I was hurt. I feel sad for my parents, because they don’t get it. Forgiving them has been a process, and it’s taken me a long time, but it simply means I release myself from carrying the painful burden. It doesn’t mean that what happened was okay, by ANY means, or that I should allow them access into my life.  It involves me surrendering it to God, and allowing Him to deal with them.

So today, I faced the realization that my T had seen for years….I just wasn’t ready.  I had heard two of my parts share their stories about him, along the way, and I believed them, supported them, and have loved them through it all.  But today was my turn to hear (again) and believe it to be true for myself.  It was an emotional event, and as my teenager shared, she battled panic attacks and an excruciating migraine.  She laid down on the couch, covered up in a blanket, with my T next to her (me) lovingly walking us through the process.  It was not new information, but merely explaining the pieces I was not grasping.  As I listened, it was important for her to know I was owning and believing her memories.

When I “came back”, my T was very encouraging and compassionate because I clearly was broken emotionally. Moments later I had to walk out, into the bathroom and let myself cry. Two things hit me while I was hiding in the bathroom crying:

  1. Why do I have to come in here to cry?
  2. My T has been modeling, for the past 4 years, healthy relationships; she isn’t going to abandon me for being emotional.

So I went back in and allowed the tears to flow, shared how it made me feel, and let it sit between us.  She showed me incredible grace and compassion while I let the emotions out. It felt very odd, but yet comforting. It felt safe, something I am learning in my relationships with others in my circle.  My husband has been a source of strength, but maybe I feel safer with him because I know he has to live with me. 🙂  Either way, I learned more about myself today in regards to the people in my life.  They care, love, and support me in this journey…no matter how difficult (it) or I can be.

I had to skip work and go home, since I was completely exhausted; I hadn’t slept well for a week, I was crying, and my body was worn out.  God has blessed me with incredible employers- you know them as those “damn therapists”, but they truly are a blessing to me.

FullSizeRenderWhen I got home, I put on my flannel pants, long sleeve shirt, grabbed my frog, my (real) dogs joined me, and I slept 4 straight hours!! When I woke up, the panic/anxiety and migraine were both nonexistent. Praise the Lord!

It’s Tuesday and I’m Undone

My last therapy session was last week, so it has been 5 days since I’ve been there. Tuesday is my day to go, but not today!  My therapist is on vacation this week, I see her 2x a week (3x when things are bad) and I am having a difficult time.  I don’t know if it’s all related to her vacation, as much as it is the discussion we had during my last session.  I should know better than to bring up subject matter that my be undoing, but clearly I wasn’t thinking. Now I am undone, have had constant, major anxiety (which is new) and migraines.  This anxiety/panic feeling is horrible!  I had no idea, the people who struggle with this everyday, just how badly this feels.  For me, it’s like someone is sitting on me and squeezing my chest.  It’s hard to breathe at times…I hate it!  I can’t focus on the assignments my T gave me to work on this week because it is panic-inducing.

Yesterday I wanted to drive myself to a hospital or treatment center and check myself in giphy1hoping it would help.  I can’t get control of this, and frankly, it’s pissing me off!  Why does this have to happen when she is on vacation?? Really??  I want to be on vacation from DID right now too.  Okay, so I’m sounding like a child throwing a fit…and that would be correct.

But here’s the deal, even when I’m experiencing  all of these seemingly, unmanageable problems…God already knows about them.  He doesn’t promise I won’t have them; He promises to be there, by my side, walking me through, with His help and strength.  He knows I’m having a tantrum waaaaay before it happens, and He still cares enough to love and heal my hurts.  God Keeps His Promises….Always!

e97d70b8f5f2832f9c9228949f458981

 

 

 

I Don’t Know How….or Not

My assignment, for this week off of therapy, is to write about how it makes ME feel to know/own the abuse from my dad.  I don’t know where to start or even how to begin writing out my feelings.  I have shared many times that, for me, anger is BAD and having emotions is NOT allowed. It’s a long standing, etched into my brain, default mode message I’ve always believed. Every time I attempt to get the journal out, instantaneously, the twinge of a migraine reminds me to put it all away. I don’t know how to do this or maybe…I really don’t want to do this!

giphy3

Even as I type this post, I feel the tears beginning to take shape from behind my eyes, my chest tightening as if someone presently took a seat there, and my throat feeling like it is being squeezed shut.  I despise the the way this makes me feel inside.  My parts have done this same type of work, they are brave, courageous, trusting, and incredibly strong; what is wrong with ME??

Logically, it makes me mad that it happened and it is normal to cry about such horrible things.  I would tell anyone going through similar events, these are necessary steps for healing.  The more you speak about it, out loud, the more freedom and healing you receive.  I know all those things, and yet, I simply cannot move forward. AHHHHHHH

giphy5

Obviously, I can still find a bit of humor along the way.  God is faithful and I know His mighty hand is on me, my family and our journey. He provides for us in every area of my life, so I cannot doubt that, especially right now.

As I prepare for this upcoming week of- “trying to journal”, having no therapy, pretending that “I’m good” without the therapy, experiencing panic/anxiety since Thursday, and wondering when the next migraine will arrive- I can’t loose sight that I’m going to be “okay” with it all. I know I’m not the only one who struggles like this, one day doing well, the next day feeling like my world is crashing around me, and white knuckling through, just to say, “I got this” or “I don’t need help”!!

giphy4

This Week’s Final Session

Thursday was my third and last session for the week…and I feel like I’ve been run over by a truck, followed by it’s trailer.  Ugh!  It’s been a long, exhausting, but very rewarding week.  No one said this work was easy, and work it is…

giphy1

We have more answers, more healing, and more steps forward.  My “fast track” approach to healing and living with DID, is both demanding and worthwhile.  So many times in the past 4 yrs., I’ve wanted to quit, walk away, and let this all fade away.  Now logically, I know that could never happen once I started, but the temptation is there…somedays more than others.

We spent some time, on Thursday, following up on the events of the previous sessions. Then the questions came about where I was in all of this. She asked me what has been going on with “me”.  I had a list (of course) to discuss, but I had already talked myself out of saying some things.  “Why can’t I say things to the one person who knows the most about me? The person who has NEVER judged me? (I think) To the person who believes and cares about what happens to me?”

As I shared some things, I became emotional, but couldn’t get to where the emotions were coming from. My T kept pushing me, asking me questions, and wanting to get to the source of the emotion.  For reasons I am unclear, her questioning was making me angry and I began to shut down. My body shifted along with my thinking, and the internal walls began to form. I was surprised by why this was happening, and then without warning, I switched.  Kat came forward and began connecting the dots for all of us.

She was able to reveal why I was having dreams about an event 2yrs. ago and connect that with some of her undone trauma.  **It is always amazing to me (shouldn’t be by now) that I will get weird pieces of information, that don’t make sense, in my short sleep hours, and it will ALWAYS connect.

From there Kat shared another thing I had been holding onto for about 3 weeks, but honestly, in my defense, there hasn’t been time to talk about it lately. Long story short; my therapist made an observation, which was accurate and upsetting.  I haven’t totally owned the abuse from my dad, and it affects 2 parts on the inside.  I have believed what they’ve said, helped them through it, and made sure they feel safe…but I haven’t taken that in for myself.

giphy2

My T recognized that I haven’t shown any anger or sadness, for myself, in dealing with the information surrounding the abuse.  She is right!  I tell myself it’s not okay to be angry, because anger is bad; I was never allowed to cry about anything, so then what is the point??  However, I know she is right and I need to own the information as mine, and feel the feelings attached to them.

She gave me an assignment while she is on vacation next week:

  1. Write down all the things I still haven’t shared; the things I’ve been afraid to say
  2. Write how I feel about what my dad did to me; my honest feelings
  3. Don’t work on it for more than 30 minutes at a time
  4. Don’t over do it- which is code for- I don’t have to do it all in one day

This all seems like an appropriate request, and with her being gone for a week, I was feeling motivated to get to work.  And then the next day (Friday), I developed a migraine that took me out for the whole day! Ugh

 

 

 

 

 

 

Monday and Tuesday Sessions

I went in for an added session on Monday morning.  I was struggling with migraines over the weekend, my new part, M had been texting my T while I was out cold on medication.  It’s always interesting to read communication between my parts and T.  She must have been thinking we couldn’t wait for the Tuesday session to get resolve.  I agreed, and we spent 2 hours on Monday trying to get M to explain why he was keeping me stuck in my trauma, and not wanting me to get well.

He struggled to speak; he described the panic feeling like someone sitting on his chest.  I often have that same feeling, so I was glad to know it was a real issue.  Sometimes I think the physical issues I experience are “just in my head”….not true though.  My T was asking me about my relationship with my brother, more in-depth than what we’ve done with him before. As I was sharing information, a major revelation came to me about my dad and brother.  I must have had an odd look on my face, because my T said, “What are you thinking right now?” My response was that she probably is thinking that for several years she’s listened to me talk about having a close relationship to my dad, but yet has heard me describe horrible things about him. Then when my 8yr old part, Wendy, shared what he had done to me, it was all to confirming of what she speculated and my worst fears!  So, hearing things about my brother, was starting to sound all to familiar-for both of us.

When M came to talk, he shared that my brother and I were very violent, and physically with each other.  He was 2 yrs. older, but I was a fighter.  He was the first born, first grandchild, and had an obvious handicap at birth.  My dad never connected with him, and since my dad was athletic, as a young man, his dreams vanished, when he saw my brother. How very sad!! My brother and I competed with each other, and since I played sports, and was good at them, I got the attention of my dad.  Even if it was negative, it was attention my brother needed as well. We would beat each other up, he mostly won the battles, and would sit on my chest or choke me until I called him “master”.

M told my therapist that I would never say it, that I kept fighting to get out from under him. So he said it, because he thought I would die from being sat on or choked. It made me sad to hear all of that, but he was convinced I needed to stay connected to the abusive words of my family, in order to survive.  He felt he needed to protect me from my T because getting well, was not an option.  We realized M was being negatively influenced by the bond with my family.  We needed to break that bond, but it was strong, and it had an intense hold on him.

I was so tired by the time I got up to leave. My T reassured me that we were getting somewhere, but it was going to take lots of prayer, preparation, and direction.  Later that evening she contacted me asking if I would like to come in (the next day) Tuesday at 9am. She asked that we both be in prayer for God’s leading and she would contact me in the morning to see how I felt.  I sleep 4 straight hours (which is good for me), ran 5 miles, prayed and listened to worship music the whole run, and when I walked in the door at 6:45am, she was texting me.  “Well, what is God saying to you about today?”  she asked. My response was, “I slept, ran 5 miles, am reminded that His mercies are new every morning, He gives me strength for today and a bright hope for tomorrow and blessing all mine. So, I’m ready for whatever He has….I think.” 

She must have had a similar feeling because her response back was, “Sounds good. Let’s meet at my office at 9am.”  This is what I love about my T, and why I believe my therapy has been guided by the Lord. God is in every aspect of my healing process and we both acknowledge that along the way. Before we began the session, she walked over, took my hand and asked if she could pray. This was not anything new for me, but today we were following God’s leading from the beginning.  When she finished praying, I felt a strong urge to pray for her, but at the same time, had a feeling of “I’m not worthy” or “my prayers can’t be heard; I’m too messed up”.  Those are all lies that satan wanted me to believe in that moment, but I was going to overcome.  I stopped her mid sentence, took ahold of her hand, and said it’s my turn.  When I finished, we were both wiping our eyes, but were confident in what we needed to do next.

We spent the first hour recapping and she began to discuss what my brother was like growing up, things he did, was involved in, friends he had, etc.  It was eye opening to me to recall the past, and realize that my brother had some spiritual influences that were NOT good, actually a bit scary. Those influences needed to be broken off of me through M.  The next hour was a blur for me, but absolutely life-changing for M.  My T prayed for the influence/bond to be broken and then she led M to the Lord. She told him about God’s love for him, that Jesus died for him, and asked if he wanted to begin a relationship today.  He was forgiven and saved, free and whole…all in one session.  If that isn’t God at work, I don’t know what is!!   He cares for me as much as He cares for the individual parts of me.  It was His plan from the beginning, to provide a way for me to survive the horrible abuse/trauma I endured as a child.  That’s how much God loves people (parts included)!

It was exhausting for M, myself and I’m sure my T, but what a beautiful outcome.  M asked if he could have a new name, a real name, not one that was a reminder of what he had to endure. My T said of course, and asked God to give him a name.

The night before, I had posted a verse out of James, and he must have been present while I was reading through the book.  But here is the cool God piece, (as if the other things weren’t) my therapist doesn’t read my blog, and she didn’t know about reading the book of the bible when she said, “How about James? That is a strong name, he was one of Jesus’ disciples, and I think it would be a good, new name for you.” 

I almost burst into tears as I listened from behind the scenes. Seriously?? God is so GOOD! This was the verse,  James 5:16 says, Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The earnest prayer of a righteous person has great power and produces wonderful results. All of my support team was in prayer the night before, and I believe that God used everything for His purpose, but for the good of my community!

My younger parts emerge shortly after to describe what they were seeing on the inside.  They thanked my T for helping M, now James, and that it felt much safer inside.  They also said it was much brighter.  Wendy (8) said it was like the sun kept rising, and the light was bright and flittering.  How precious!  She said it was like fireworks in the daytime and no loud booms-LOL.  She is so sweet and sincere.  She said everyone was coming out to watch the bright light.  In a bizarre kind of way, I envisioned all the little munchkins coming out of hiding and celebrating; the big bad witch was dead. However, this was a celebration of new life, God’s goodness, mercy and freedom.

So, it’s Wednesday night, I’ve felt emotional all day, but in a good way.  I am tired, worn out, but blessed.  Grateful for a T who loves the Lord, seeks Him, and allows Him to direct our work together.  Healing only comes from God; He uses people (my therapist) to help us along the way and believe that we can do this difficult, grueling, and intense work.

Tomorrow I go in for my third session of the week; my T is on vacation next week. I am ready for a break, but nervous that I will not be connecting with her after all this new information and work. I’m sure she is ready to take time off; I can’t imagine how difficult it is to work with me, let alone all the other clients she sees.  Wow!!  I know there is tons of stuff in this post, but I needed to get it out!  I hope tomorrow is an easy, relaxing session.

 

Where Do I Begin??

I haven’t been able to put into words what took place in last Friday’s session.  My goal was to go in, share the things that were upsetting, made me angry, and talk through all those pieces.  I knew my T would receive it well and we would discuss it until I felt closure. I was right; we discussed it all, she apologized and explained her thinking behind her decisions.  Honestly, it made sense, but I was glad she could see my point of view at the same time.

Going into the session, I thought maybe we wouldn’t need the full 3 hrs. especially if we would be able to work through my list…well that didn’t pan out so well. She had asked me if I wanted to discuss the comment I made in my sleep, that my husband told me about the next morning, “I don’t know if I should believe you or not.  I don’t know you that well.” At first, I thought we would just talk about it, even though I knew better.  She wanted to find out where the source of the conversation originated.  I don’t know why, but I said, “I don’t really want to do that right now.” She looked surprised, since I never run from getting to the bottom of things.  There was something about this that made me want to run…

 

giphy1

She paused and asked if we should ask someone on the inside what they know about the conversation, and who I was actually talking with. Neither of us said beforehand, but we both knew it had to be someone we hadn’t been aware of because I know all the parts well. So, I held my breath and allowed for the part she asked for came forth.

We asked  Cindy (my oldest part) to come and help us; she was there pretty quickly, and as fast as she arrived, the trembling began. I felt myself begin to shake, not badly at first, but it progressed as my T asked her questions.  I wanted to stop the process, but it was like being caught behind the glass window.  She was shaking intensely, so much so, she was unable to get words out.  My T gave her a pen and a small notepad to write a name or even if it was a part or me.

She was able to write a few things down, but mostly there was only confusion and physical reactions to the panic and stress.  She was able to tell my T that she needed to speak with a part named Sam.  “Sam?  Who in the he!! is Sam? I don’t have any parts by that name.”  …My T and I have talked about the fact, that from the beginning of my therapy, she had not asked if there was a part that was considered to be a “reporter”. We’ve joked about her not asking from the beginning; she usually asks for that part with every DID client.  Now that we are on the back side of my therapy, I hoped we never realized that I had this particular part, with valuable information…but whaddayaknow- I DO!

This is the part that keeps record of events, usually has not experienced trauma, and doesn’t have any emotion attached to what he/she records.  However, every system is different, this is just my experience…as of last week. Ugh! Anyway, Sam was helpful, to the point, stated the facts, and helped us connect to this “new” part.  In one session, I was made aware of 2 new parts (and I thought I was done finding parts). Never say never. 🙂

This new part, who calls himself M, is a protector.  I have a protector already, but this one seems a bit different than my current protector.  After the session, I did some research on protector parts, it is something I always seem to do when new information arises. It’s like getting a second opinion.  I know everyone with DID has different experiences with their communities; I also know we experience similarities as well.  I learned there are different types of protectors, and M is the kind that thinks he is protecting me by keeping me from moving forward.  When I read this, it seemed to match the behavior of M.

“Protectors may view themselves as a very tough child or teenager, or a physically strong, adult male. They can act internally, or show external hostility, e.g., telling a therapist that other alters don’t need them and warning the therapist to leave them all alone. Defensive “acting out” may be directed at a therapist or others close to the person.”

The difference with this new part,  I haven’t experienced with others, or at least to this degree, is the panic I feel inside. I have had 2 full blown panic attacks, since beginning this healing journey through DID. One that sent me to the hospital, another I had medication to help. I have had minor symptoms along the way, but they have been manageable.  M seems to bring a level of panic I’m not used to having and I am not handling well. I don’t want to medicate, but it feels overwhelming and I want it to end.  My T thinks M is being manipulated by an outside force.

As a Christian, and believer is Jesus, I know that Satan wants nothing more than to destroy the work we are doing, and keep me from being whole and healed.  In John 10:10  it says, “The thief’s purpose is to steal, kill and destroy.” But God’s response is, “My purpose is to give life in all its fullness.”  I know that when abuse happens, it is pure evil, and those who intentionally abuse, have evil intent.  And when there is evil, Satan is involved.  Keeping me stuck in trauma, and blocking my recovery and desire to be well, is in my opinion, the works of Satan.  My T, an incredibly, strong Christian woman, has seen a lot of this in her 20+ years of working with DID clients.  It is exhausting, dangerous, and something to be prayed about with fervor. James 5:16 says, “Confess your faults to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The effective, fervent prayer of a righteous man accomplishes much.”

Our approach with finding out whether there is an “evil source” manipulating M, must be dealt with carefully.  My T asked me to come today for a 2 hr. session, to start the process. Then I’ll have my regular one tomorrow and finally the Friday session. I get tired thinking about it, but I trust her, and believe God is leading in ALL of this.

More to come…