In an email to my therapist, my teenage, protector part (B) said this, “Well, it’s her turn now. She (me) wants us to “get it out” now she can. We aren’t the only ones with those shitty memories.” Wow, that was a stinger! Although she is right, I want each of my parts to share, ‘get out’ whatever they need and feel safe; I hesitate to begin my own processing.
My session on Tuesday was not as long as normal, I had put together an outline of things I wanted to talk about, but could never get there. I felt scattered in my thinking, on the verge of tears, and was struggling to tell my T how I was feeling. As soon as I would start talking, I could feel the tears surface.
We discussed the session last week, with my parts and the abuse they endured. It is always beneficial to process afterwards, and we had done that last week, and again on Tuesday. I feel surprisingly at peace with what took place, even though it was emotionally and physically exhausting. From there, I shared how the day before I couldn’t go to work, spiraled into wrong thinking that, “maybe I don’t really have DID”, “maybe I can begin communication with my family now”, “maybe this is all my fault”, blah, blah blah! Geesh, I know all this is normal thinking along the way, but when does it stop??
I also talked about how I feel like I’m holding these 2 bubble lives, one bubble has my husband, boys, friends and therapist, and the other bubble is my hometown, my family of origin, old friends and abusers. The first bubble is where I live now, with care, support and love I receive from everyone in the bubble. I can go for a week and say that this is my new life, family, friends, etc. and I don’t ever need to make contact with my home family. Then the second bubble pops up and I tell myself I can never change, this is my reality, the people in there will never believe me or support me, but that is because I caused all this mess. I went on to say the first bubble is “to good to be true”, eventually someone is going to pop it and I will be abandoned once again. So, I need to pop it myself, because it won’t hurt as badly as it did the times before. I need to cut them off before they cut me off!
My T responded with something rather shocking…she said both bubbles are true. The first one is full of people who love, care and support you. They do that, not because they have to, but because they want to. And they will not pop the bubble. The second bubble is also true, it represents my past, the hurt, abuse, abandonment, etc. It has people who intentionally hurt me, but that doesn’t mean I should hold it, or want to be in it. The people in the first bubble want me to grow, heal and succeed, but not the ones in the second bubble.
She said, “What kind of parent doesn’t want the best for their child, to love them unconditionally, help them when they need help?? You were able to do these things for your boys, and model for them what was never modeled for you.”
I started to cry and said, “How was/is that even possible? I shouldn’t know how to do those things.” She smiled, that comforting and caring smile, and said, “God. He was able to help you do things that, statistics say you could not.” Tears, probably of joy, ran down my face as I tried to take that in and sit with the truth. Only God, who loves, saved, cares about, and wants good for me, could do the impossible. I am eternally grateful.
I heard this the other day, and it constantly comes to my mind. “Encourage means to fill with courage. You have the power to give courage to others.” I am constantly being filled with courage from my husband, sons, my ‘3 damn therapist’ friends, and my own therapist! They are my biggest encouragers, and I am blessed to have them in my life!
“Courage is being brave and afraid at the very same time.”