After my Friday session, all the emotions from the information I heard emerged as a swirling tornado inside me. What I’m learning about myself in this process of healing and wholeness, is that I can’t accurately express my feelings in session. This was a revelation for me the past two days, as I process internally.
When specific parts share, relive, and endure the events of their personal (trauma/abuse) to my T, it, quite simply put, breaks my heart. It seems unbearable and yet I know they are deeply hurt and fighting to overcome the horrible things in their lives. Then in that brief moment, when I switch back, I am overcome with feelings that are unmanageable.
As I’ve been piecing together what that means exactly, it brings tears to my eyes instantly. But why? Why do I feel uncomfortable with these emotions? I’ve worked hard to transition the events of my parts to understanding it actually happened to me-which is a difficult task most of the time. That is an ongoing work, to believe it, own it and then grieve it….but necessary.
What I’ve realized is that when my parts share, there is a point when, depending on what is said, they need comforting. They need someone to say they are safe, good, cared for, that I will (along with my husband) be there to love and parent them. And that is an incredibly, powerful truth for them to know. They may get a hug or my T reaches out to make contact so they know they are safe in her office. I am grateful for all of that, and it has made all the difference in the world for their healing.
However, when I switch back, I am wanting to run away (flight), get out of the room because the feelings are too much for me. It becomes a huge awareness to me that I need the same comforting, but it feels so foreign, scary, unavailable and a need all at the same time. I hate it! I instantly feel like a child again, who in the midst of great discomfort, pain, hurt, and sadness, wants a mom to tell her she’s going to be okay. Someone to hug me so tight that the pieces all get put back together.
My emotions seems too much for me, but I am slowly learning to sit with them, feel them, and allow them to come. I get all mixed up with what I “should” do or if I’m doing it “right”. My fear in saying what I really need in that moment is, “What if I’m not heard or believed?” “What if I’m rejected or abandoned for what I say?” I know it is wrong thinking, and I am being heard and believed, but somehow that gets all messed up inside. Maybe it feels embarrassing too, because I’m an adult for crying out loud! I don’t need comforted at 47 years old. This happened so long ago….blah, blah, blah!
Now, I need to decide if it is worth saying in my next session or not. Is this something I should work out on my own? It feels like my problem, so I should fix it.