My last post was my revelations about not saying what I am feeling in the moment, either after I’ve switched back, or at later session when we are processing the trauma or information. I am beginning to wonder if it simply is my fear of being BAD.
Growing up, I was never allowed to cry, have too much emotion, and really no one cared if I did. Now, I sit and listen to my parts share, and I am all about helping them feel comforted, loved and safe. I don’t have any problem with doing what it takes to help them. I know that I had to overcome many obstacles in my life to care, love, and nurture my own boys, so it wasn’t foreign to help the parts of me.
However, my not being able to say what I feel, what I need, or even being okay with care, love, and support, is where I’m struggling. The messages for me were, don’t ask, don’t feel, don’t do ANYTHING wrong. If you do, you are a BAD person. I would never say that to someone else, but this is my message in my head and my response. It happens when I’m in a place of vulnerability, and I truly need someone to care, love and support me.
If, for whatever reason, I ask or I am being cared for in that moment…I leave with this horrible feeling that I did something very BAD. This is how it plays out in my mind:
I shouldn’t have to get comforted. I don’t need it. I never had it, so why would I change now. But I like how it feels, it must be wrong, right? If I feel good, something bad is going to happen. People don’t really love you, they just say that crap! I am tough, I don’t need anyone!
Anyway, today I don’t even want to think about going to my session tomorrow. What is the point? I don’t want to get all weird with my emotions. But the thing about it is, why all the sudden is this happening?? I don’t usually say how I feel in ‘the moment’. I have lied and said I don’t remember what parts said, so that I don’t have to express my feelings about it. Mostly, I leave there and have a meltdown alone. That way no one gets hurt…
As I read this back, I’m thinking what is wrong with me? This is not how therapy works, and not being real or honest, well, that only hurts me! What is it that I really want anyway? God, you are going to have to help me with this one…I am making a mess.