Yesterday was therapy, and I am beginning to wonder if I’m ever going to have a normal Tuesday therapy day?? Geesh, it’s like everyone on the inside are planning some type of coup d’état. Actually it’s more like one in particular, but difficult nonetheless.
Got up at 5am, ran my 5.5 miles with my friend, drank some coffee, showered, and headed off to BSF. The week before, I was triggered during the bible study small group time. We are studying Revelation and the lesson the past 2 weeks has been on suffering….ugh! I understand that all too well. However, it has been very helpful to understand that we live in a fallen world, full of sin, and that pain and suffering are going to be apart of it all. God allows suffering, but will not give us more than we can handle with HIS help.
Anyway, last week the lady next to me, I swear, out of nowhere, says, “I wonder if mental illness is from Satan.” What?!?! This began the following dialogue in my head from anger to sadness/tears:
Anger: Is she crazy? How does she know I have a mental illness? Why did she just say that? Did she say that on purpose? What the f……!
Sadness: Oh my gosh, I am from Satan. Why would she hurt me like that? Does everyone in here know I have DID? I am a horribly bad person. I can never come back here.
The good thing was I had therapy a few hours after that. My therapist, who also attends the same BSF, just not in my small group, had a different take on the whole thing….of course she did, right? LOL She suggested that I look at why mental illness, in my case DID, occurs. I was sexually, physically and emotionally abused for many years, and abuse is pure evil, it is from Satan. My abusers acted with evil intentions to purposely harm me, and as a result, God saved me through dissociating those horrible events.
She wasn’t letting the lady off the hook, but simply giving me another way to look at it all. Perhaps she has some experience with mental illness, who knows, but for me it was a huge trigger. There is always something to learn from being triggered, since there is no way to protect yourself at all times, we need to learn from them.
With all that said, I’m sure I was on high alert when arriving yesterday to my small group. And that would explain the drinking and smoking afterwards. Going to therapy sick and not knowing what happened before getting there. I hate when this happens because it means a part is coping and not dealing with present issues. It puts us all at risk for so many problems….and I need to find a way to communicate that with her. This is dangerous!
To make matters worse, I decided to go home instead of going to work, I took an anti-nausea pill and then a valium. I hadn’t slept well in several days, was sick and wanted to go to sleep. So today, I’m obviously suffering from a hangover, but learned that mixing alcohol and valium is one of the most dangerous combinations of drugs. I had no idea, since I wasn’t aware of how much alcohol was consumed. Thankful for a God that has protected me from so many dangerous situations.
So, I’m hitting the Restart Button, going to have a conversation with this part, and moving forward…