It had been 5 straight days of crying and sadness over heavy memories of sexual abuse at the hands of my parent. Sometimes it shocks me all over again, and I swirl within to make sense of anything. Why? wHy? whY? Probably never going to get the answer I long for and desperately desire to have.
The harmful behaviors continue to surface, as Kat strives to find those same answers. I get as a teenager, feelings seem too much to handle, but I really am too old for this. 🙂 The nausea from smoking, drinking, cutting, binging/purging, lack of sleep, migraines….I am ready for things to change. At the same time, I realize she isn’t going to stop all these behaviors cold turkey.
Then I’m reminded to continue to show grace, love, patience, and perseverance throughout this enormous process, called DID. My therapist repeatedly compliments my patience with this, but some days I feel like I’ve failed myself and all the parts of me. I know they see me struggle more than ever, see me cry for the first time, and yet they continue to extend grace. What a blessing and example to follow. God is genuinely creative, loving, and oh, so, kind as He has made this all available to those of us who endured horrific abuse. What a precious gift!
I will celebrate dry eyes today…you never know when that will change. Please know, that I know, crying is good, healthy, and healing. Sometimes it is the ONLY way we can communicate the pain and suffering or blessings and joy! Someday, as the scripture says in Revelation 21:4, “He will wipe every tear from their eyes, and there will be no more death or sorrow or crying or pain. All these things are gone forever.”