Yesterday was a long session, I was preparing mentally for it all week. I had shared in my previous post about the body memories and how it was affecting us all. This was what we worked on yesterday. I knew I needed to be present as Kat shared her trauma, to hear it, understand it, and love her through it. She shared hard things, painful memories, and I am so proud of her, she is so brave!
What I’ve learned about myself in all of this, is that each part of me has a story to share, whether it be trauma, abuse, neglect, or anything thing else. They came for a specific purpose- to help me, and keep me protected. They need to feel safe, believed and know I’m going to be okay before they share anything.
This process takes a long time, but can take even longer unless you have a therapist who understands, knows what they are doing with DID, and cares about you and your inside parts. I will say, it is difficult to find someone qualified enough to walk you through the journey, but when you find them….do the work it takes, you are worth being whole and healed!
We made it through the session, crying, wrapped up in a blanket and curled up on the couch…there seems to be comfort in being wrapped in a blanket. My inner circle of support have started calling it the “Blanket of Vulnerability”. I am not a fan of vulnerability or sharing my deepest thoughts and emotions, because at a young age- it wasn’t allowed. I am learning to do it now, it’s painful at times, but oh, so necesssary for healing.
None of this is easy. No one said it would be. It’s painful and grueling at times. I hate that. I am embracing it. I do my best. I keep fighting. I stumble and fall. I get back up. I hit the restart button. I know God is with me. He has gone before me. He gives me strength. He loves me NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS! And I am going to be okay, even good!
My hope is in the Lord….my hope of finding healing and wholeness can only come through Him. I love these quotes from the movie Shawshank Redemption, I know that seems weird, but they have encouraged me many times.