Today was my long session in therapy, and it always makes me nervous as to what will take place. This week has been a struggle, with lots of switching, unhealthy behaviors, sleepless nights and migraines. By the time Friday got here, I was absolutely exhausted, and wondering if I should take a break from therapy.
It always seems to be a theme with me; when things get overwhelming, or new pieces of information surfaces that is difficult, I want to quit therapy. This time, I actually brought it up with my therapist. It went something like this:
me: I was thinking, would it be damaging or not, if I took a break for awhile?
therapist: Yes, that is not a very good idea. So no, we need to keep moving forward with this new information.
me: Maybe I could have some time to think about how I can fix this, and then I’ll come back.
therapist: No, I’ll see you Friday.
Now, I know that almost sounds a bit harsh, but you have to know my therapist. She genuinely, is so kind and compassionate and at times has agreed that maybe skipping a session would be okay. However, not this time, and she was straight forward, honest, and not budging. I knew when I said it out loud, that it didn’t make much sense to try and figure this out “on my own”. If I could figure it out alone, I wouldn’t need a therapist….duh!
I’m glad I went, or at least my teenage part went. She did some brave work again today. She shared how she felt guilty, dirty, gross and ashamed. She felt bad that she couldn’t do something to stop the abuse from my dad. She shared pieces I had been getting in my dreams or random memories throughout the week. It’s one of the ways my parts give me new pieces of information. She shared about feeling frozen, paralyzed, like she couldn’t move; it makes me sad to even type this out. I think that is a common response that is shared among those who have been abused.
When I “came back”- that’s what I call it when I’m not present while my parts are out. I opened my eyes and the room was sideways. I closed them real fast, opened them again, still sideways. *sigh* I think, “deep breath, it’s okay that you are laying halfway on the couch. D (therapist) understands this happens sometimes.” Then I think, “crap! where is she? OMG, am I laying on a pillow on her lap? What happened here? Was K (part) so upset she had to lie down? Did she have a migraine again? Is this safe, are we going to be hurt by this somehow?” I felt embarrassed and afraid at the same time. I feels wrong to want comfort, but we all have needed it along the way.
I slowly sit up, D stands up and says she is going to the restroom. I stand up, almost fall back down, but make my way over to the small mirror hanging on the wall. My mascara is all over my face, my make-up is all rubbed off, and my head feels like I’ve been crying all morning. K has been out for over an hour, which alway makes me tired. I try to feel compassion for her. I am sure she needed comforted, she has been so hurt, and she hates being so vulnerable. It had to be difficult for her to allow D to comfort her in that way.
Honestly, it’s something we’ve never had. I have never wanted to let anyone in that close, or allowed people to hug me. I didn’t know what to do with any of that. At some level, I longed for it, but at another level, it scared me to death. My thinking has always been, when people say they care and love you…they will ultimately abuse and abandon you.
I have learned, from being in therapy and allowing D to model healthy relationships, that I can learn to trust others in this area. Not just anyone, but a small circle of friends and family. Some days are easier than others, and I’m learning that I need it and it is not a BAD thing. People do genuinely care about us…