Last night I slept for 1 hour! I am exhausted, I feel hollow inside, and very tearful. I hate feeling this way. I want to curl up in a blanket and not come out.
Yesterday started with a migraine that I fought all day with meds….not much relief. I didn’t eat all day, so that me jittery and my heart was pounding out of my chest. I seemed vaguely present to my family, tried to eat a little, but I only wanted to lay down and slip away. Let another part of me be out instead.
When I decided to get ready for bed, my nose started bleeding out of nowhere, so I washed my face, took my anxiety pill and got into bed.
As I laid there, I said to myself, “I’m going to sleep all night, maybe even get 4-5 hours.” I feel my body relax, my mind slowing down, and I’m slowly falling asleep…and then BAM! I get this horrible vision of being sexually abused, and I’m wide awake. I try to block it, think of something else, pray, anything, but it keeps coming back.
After an hour of so, I find myself over the toilet, throwing up, blood streaming out my nose, and crying. However, I’m strangely aware that I am not the one doing do it, it’s like I’m hovering over the top. I can’t make it stop! It’s like I’m pounding on a glass window for anyone to hear me, “Make it stop!” I go back to bed and just lay there…awake.
I put on my running clothes, it’s 5:30am, my friend arrives and we run. I don’t want to stop, I feel in control, I don’t even know how I have any strength- to run. It helps me, somehow, and for that hour, I tell myself, “I can do this!” When I return, I’m exhausted, dizzy, nauseated, and I want to sleep. So, I get in the shower, get dressed and head to work.
I don’t feel safe right now. I can’t fix how I’m feeling or the part of me who is struggling so much on the inside. It feels out of control.