As all of us with DID know, we have constant inner dialogue happening-whether we are aware or not, whether we accept it or not, and whether we desire it or not! Sometimes we can shut it out, and other times it’s all we hear. It is a component of who we are and how we function. In the beginning we think everyone has this kind of dialogue happening too. And it’s always shocking when we find out, oh, it’s just us!
This past week has been some of the hardest, no, it has been the single, most difficult work, I have attempted. Since beginning my therapy 3 years ago, the last 2 years being intensive, I can honestly say, no one could have prepared me for what I was about to go through. Like those of us with DID, PTSD, OCD, eating disorders, traumas, abuse, etc…. there is no, one “fix all” to use.
Learning about sexual abuse was hard, learning about it happening to me, even harder, then learning that one of the times involved my dad…unbearable. I’m still not doing well with this new information. I’m trying to care for the part of me that endured it, but at the same time, realizing it was me, and having to deal with that as well- it’s been excruciating. I feel like I’m failing at both ends. I feel shame, disgust, dirty, bad, defective, sad, very sad, hurt, angry…..you get the idea. When will it stop? Will I ever be okay? Am I even getting better? I want to run away, hide, never get out of bed, isolate, numb…..Ahhhhhhhh
Then today, I was reminded of this psalm that was given to me before I left my job and began the intense work 2 years ago.
Psalm 13~ A psalm of David.
1 O Lord, how long will you forget me? Forever?
How long will you look the other way?
2 How long must I struggle with anguish in my soul,
with sorrow in my heart every day?
How long will my enemy have the upper hand?
3 Turn and answer me, O Lord my God!
Restore the sparkle to my eyes, or I will die.
4 Don’t let my enemies gloat, saying, “We have defeated him!”
Don’t let them rejoice at my downfall.
5 But I trust in your unfailing love.
I will rejoice because you have rescued me.
6 I will sing to the Lord
because he is good to me.
David is pleading with God, asking the question I have asked God so many, thousands, of times- HOW LONG? But even in the depth of his cry to God, David, like me (most days) hangs on every word of verses 5 and 6! BUT, you know there is always a BUT! But I will trust your unfailing love! God’s love is unfailing, unchanging, unconditional and unending. You are His beloved, prized possession and He has a wonderful purpose for your life, despite where you find yourself today.
When people look down upon us, God doesn’t see what they see. He knows the end from the beginning and He uses everything in our life to restore, redeem, make you whole, and put you back together again. The struggle, difficulty, trial, setback, and loss will one day be a testimony.
I’m truly blessed and beyond grateful for my therapist, who knows so much about DID. I am abundantly blessed with an incredible husband of 25 years, and my boys. My husband constantly loves, supports and encourages each part of me, he calls them “his girls”…except for the two boys. 🙂 I have wonderful friends, who have walked along side me and my family. Love you all!