Today was my long therapy session, and it is safe to say, one of the worst to date! By “the worst” I mean, emotionally devastating. One of the hardest, heaviest, painful memories of sexual abuse from my father was revealed. A part of me had these memories locked up inside for a very long time. I had all week to think about it, prepare for it, pray about it, but nothing could quite prepare me for what I heard today.
It’s one thing to not have a loving and nurturing mom- a mom who was emotionally abusive, critical and judgmental. Then to find out that your whole life has been tormented by abuse from the two people who are supposed to love you unconditionally-it SUCKS!
All of my thoughts around this so called, “normal family” came crashing down today. I have spent this past year isolated from my family, and today has confirmed why I have had to stop communicating. It’s like a this dream of wanting something I will never have, died today!
I walked out in the middle of my therapist discussing what happened, locked myself in the bathroom, and cried. Why would this happen to me? What did I do that was so bad? It felt unreal and I wanted to run away and hide. Facing difficult memories, is all a part of having DID. It’s coming to terms with your past, loving and accepting the parts that saved you, and walking through the pain to find healing and wholeness.
I went from crying for 2 hours afterwards, to anger, disbelief, and then finding comfort in my husband and close friends. I don’t know what I would do without them, my therapist, and God’s love. There will be up days, down days, and the “I just don’t know”days. I have to trust God and the work we are doing in therapy. I have to believe, I am who He says I am.
Grateful that I am a survivor!