Tuesday was my first day back to therapy after a 2 week, Christmas break. Things on the “inside” seemed to grow increasingly worse, and I wanted to “be done” with all of it! Not show up for work, bible study, or therapy on Tuesday. What was the point, too much, too many emotions, too many tears, too much pain, too much everything…
I managed to get up and run with my friend, which always, always helps get me somewhat focused. Somedays, I just want to keep running and never stop. Running for me, is a way of escape, getting my mind refocused, and even though I sleep 3-4hrs a night, it helps me physically.
After my run, and shower, I headed out for BSF and praying that God would show me something. I realize He is always with me, never leaving me “out there hanging”, but on days like yesterday, I needed something. He is faithful, and gave me comfort in another person’s answer to a question, “God intensely loves me, He is personal and intimate in how He cares for me.” Wow! Just what I needed to hear. God is so Good!
From there I headed off to therapy, which I knew was going to be difficult, for two reasons:
- It had been 2 weeks since my last session, and we left things undone with one of my teenage parts.
- She did NOT want to share her trauma.
I was switched from the start of the session, until end, two hours later. I hate when that happens, because I don’t get to say the things I’d like, but mostly, because I was blocked from hearing the conversation. My teenage part, who is out-going, fun, aggressive, and an enigma at times, hates being trapped in any kind of pain-mentally, emotionally, or physically. She will do anything to numb those feelings. Which is why, for the past 2 weeks, her behaviors have escalated: cutting, binging and purging, drinking, prescription drug use, and thoughts of suicide.
She shared some extremely hard memories with my therapist, and at one point tried to leave the room. She was brave and courageous! She was able to trust D (therapist), and share her abuse, or as much as she could handle for a session. My therapist called later that evening to check on me, and see how I was doing. She had suggested I go home and sleep, instead of going to work. We usually have a plan in place when there are difficult sessions, and yesterday, the plan actually worked!
I had decided to sit in the lobby for a few minutes, allowing myself to somehow move forward from something I knew nothing of, but felt so sad and heavy inside. The tears began to roll down my cheeks, on after another, until they seemed to have no end. This is when I leave, because the idea that someone would see me this way, is not acceptable. When I felt steady enough, I stood up, walked slowly toward the door, and out to my car. I knew I was going to require help getting home, I called my employer, who is a therapist as well, and she talked me all the way home. She was a true blessing!
When I arrived, I took a scalding hot shower (which was odd for me), put my PJs on and got into bed at 4:30pm. I didn’t get out until my husband arrived home at 6:30pm. Not sure how much I slept, spent lots of time staring at the wall and crying. But what was so terrible? I can only speculate, and you know what they say about speculating…..Don’t do it!
So today, I am exhausted from all the emotions, the tears, the headache from crying and 1 hour of sleep. Selfishly, I want my therapist to tell me what happened, but I know she cannot betray trust. I’m trying to block it out, but like waves crashing against the rocks, it seems to never end. My therapist, husband, friends, and myself are all praying and asking God for peace and comfort in the waiting, for me and my teenage part to know she is loved and cared about too.
We go back Friday for our long (3hr) session. I hope I can make it until then!