I love to run in the dark. Somehow it feels a bit safer to share things when it’s dark. Maybe it’s me, maybe there is some truth to it as well.
Saturday on my 5 mile run, I experienced an episode that hasn’t happened in a long time. My friend, who I’ve ran with the past 5 years, has gone through many of these episodes with me. She has been a great friend throughout my DID journey, and has been a huge support, even when we had no idea I had DID (officially). She was observing my switching before we really knew what was happening. Now a therapist, she understands, along with myself, all the things that take place when I get triggered.
However, as we ran Saturday we came upon 2 german shepherds along with their owner. He has taking the trash down the driveway, when the 2 full grown dogs came running to meet us. Lots of barking, showing of teeth, mean faces, and nips too close for comfort. We didn’t get bit, my friend may have gotten nipped in the ankle. We made it through without any real danger….or did we?
What my friend didn’t know, and what I wasn’t prepared for was a major trigger and switch. Those 2 german shepherd dogs were part of my past and a very scary experience. During the ages 11-12, I took piano lessons, and had to ride my bike to my weekly lesson. My mom would give me my money, I would put it in my piano book, and head out on my bike. I didn’t have a bag, so I held the book for the 4 mile trip, down country roads.
At mile 2, I came upon a german shepherd, who always seem be waiting for me. As it ran out of the woods, it would run up along side me and bite at my feet and legs as I rode by the house. One time, I was almost hit by a car trying to swerve away from the dog. I also lost my money for the lesson on occasion. It was terrifying as a young girl.
As my friend and I made it past those 2 dogs and through her neighborhood, my young 12 yr. old, Mary, came out to talk. She spoke to my friend about how she was feeling, she broke down and cried, and wanted to get away. She shared how she cried every week on her way to the lesson. She also shared about how the piano teacher would breast feed her child during my lesson. She remembered having to play the song Scarborough Fair, and not having any idea how it went. The piano teacher gave her a hard time, for not knowing the song. She said it was hard to listen to her, because she was feeding her baby that way.
I was able to hear most of what she shared, and it was difficult to listen to her talk about how scared she was feeling. It’s hard to hear each part describe events of their past, because I want to do something.
This was new information for me, and even though it doesn’t sound horrible, I hate it for her and that she had to be triggered. I have always been afraid of german shepherd’s, but I never knew exactly why. Any dog that even looks like one, makes me completely panicked inside. I now know why, and I will be more alert in the future.
Later that afternoon, I became instantly sick, out of nowhere! I was sitting typing this blog and suddenly felt like throwing up. I had to lay down for a few hours before getting up, but not before I finally threw up! Trying to put all this information together, but nothing seems to really make sense. Somedays, I feel like DID takes over and I’m left going along with it all.