Monthly Archives: January 2016

“Clean up on isle 9!”

Wednesday I had to call my therapist for an extra session.  Grateful that she made the time to see me, at the end of her day.  I’m blessed beyond words- thankful and grateful don’t seem to say enough about her willingness to help out at times like these.

I was able to be present the entire time and walk through the information from Tuesday.  It was painful and hard to take in completely.  She made a space for me to feel safe and comforted in the grieving.  I find it hard to accept care and comfort, since it wasn’t given to me as a child.  I learned to do without, learned not to need it, fought to never want it, but on the inside, the parts of me are longing for it.  It is a battle, and I’m trying accept comfort from those in my life. Ugh….

 

feeling so ashamed

Today was therapy Tuesday.  Woke up at 5am, ran 6 miles, head off to bible study, learn of God’s love, care and protection for me, then head to therapy and walk out feeling so ashamed.  I feel so f-ing crazy!  It feels so needy, so lonely, so messed up inside, so disgusting, so dirty, so, so, BAD!  Why can’t I walk out of there, and just be normal?  Abuse sucks, it totally, f-ing sucks!! Who does this kind of shit to people?? Oh ya, your own damn parents, that’s who!!

An “ah, ha” moment

Sunday’s, oh how they sneak up on me and then- BAM! I’m an emotional mess. Well, this Sunday was no different, but it sort of was, at the same time.  I didn’t sleep well, no surprise, but I also had another headache.  When I got up to take my migraine meds, I heard this voice from inside say, “Please, don’t take that medicine!  I promise, it’s not a migraine.”  

That felt so weird, since this part of me rarely communicates with me, but it was loud and clear that morning.  I took some Excedrin, decided to lay back down and let it run it’s course.  A few minutes later, I’m feeling this odd sensation to get up and work on my BSF lesson.  At this point, I realize that Kat (17) is communicating with me, and I want to acknowledge her.  We head out to the kitchen, get some coffee, slice up a grapefruit, I prayed out loud, we begin to read scripture and answer questions.

As I am reading verses I’ve read before and am familiar with, I notice I’m reading out loud and asking myself questions.  It feels like when I was 21, and a new Christian.  I had so many questions about the bible.  Was this stuff really true?  Is it really this easy?  Does God really forgive ALL my sins, for real??

All this was familiar and I knew she was asking me these questions.  This process of healing, finding freedom, and ongoing integration with my Dissociative Identity Disorder, has always been my goal.  What I wasn’t planning on was this journey of making sure the parts of me knew Jesus.  Not to simply learn about Him, but to experience the relationship, love, forgiveness, and salvation He offers.  I know some of you are thinking, “Man, this chick is messed up!”  Maybe so, but I want to make sure, when the time is right, that all the precious parts of me know and believe in Jesus.  I have no better gift to share with them, other than letting each one share their stories, be believed, and help them through their individual trauma and abuse.  Jesus doesn’t just love me-Host.  He loves every part of me.  And He wants us to be healed!!

I know some may have another meaning for these particular verses in 1 Corinthians, but for me, it speaks not only about the church body, but my personal body too.

1-Corinthians-14-12-also1 Corinthians 12:14-26 (NLT)

Yes, the body has many different parts, not just one part. If the foot says, “I am not a part of the body because I am not a hand,” that does not make it any less a part of the body. And if the ear says, “I am not part of the body because I am not an eye,” would that make it any less a part of the body? If the whole body were an eye, how would you hear? Or if your whole body were an ear, how would you smell anything?

But our bodies have many parts, and God has put each part just where he wants it. How strange a body would be if it had only one part!  Yes, there are many parts, but only one body. The eye can never say to the hand, “I don’t need you.” The head can’t say to the feet, “I don’t need you.”

In fact, some parts of the body that seem weakest and least important are actually the most necessary. And the parts we regard as less honorable are those we clothe with the greatest care. So we carefully protect those parts that should not be seen, while the more honorable parts do not require this special care. So God has put the body together such that extra honor and care are given to those parts that have less dignity. This makes for harmony among the members, so that all the members care for each other. If one part suffers, all the parts suffer with it, and if one part is honored, all the parts are glad.

I am grateful to be involved in my healing, taking the steps to trust God, my therapist, and myself.  It isn’t easy, most days, I want to quit.  I hate feeling this way, it hurts too badly, and I want things (people) I can never have.  God knows my suffering, He will not allow more than I can take-without Him!

 

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“United as One”

 

3 hour session, not a 3 hour tour!

We all know the show and the song from Gilligan’s Island, right??  I thought today, I would make a few modifications to the lyrics.  Why?  Well, I’m not exactly sure….but maybe it has to do with my Friday, 3 hour, therapy session.  I could not have been more proud of Kat today!! She did hard and productive work.  So grateful for her courage and strength!

This past week was hell, with a migraine everyday, somedays we didn’t get out of bed-just about took us all out!  So like the The S.S. Minnow in Gilligan’s Island, we felt tossed around and beaten up. Anyone that has ever taken a three-hour boat ride can tell you, it gets pretty insufferable by the end. People are hungry, cranky and seasick!  And anyone who gets a migraine can tell you it’s debilitating and immobilizing.

hqdefaultAnyway, here is my new song!

Just sit right back and you’ll hear a tale
a true tale and grateful trip,
that started three short years ago,
aboard this human ship.

The Host was a mighty private gal
the Protector, she’s the bravest one,
nine insiders set out one day,
for a 1 hour session,
now a 3 hour session.

The memories started getting rough,
this human ship was tossed.
If not for the courage of this fearless group
the Host would be lost.
The Host would be lost.

This Community set out on the course of this
uncharted life style
with Sis and her sister
Wendy and Mary too.
The boys are here, to help thrive
the artist, Cindy
the Protector and Kat are here,
in our Host’s Body.

So this is the story of all our parts,
they’re here for a long, long time.
They’ll have to make the best of things,
sometimes it’s an uphill climb.

The Host and her amazing team
will do their very best,
to make the insider’s comfortable
to grow together and finally rest.

No abuse, no hurt, no abandonment
not a single painful thing
like God had intended,
it’s safe and loving as can be.

So join us here each week my friends,
you’re sure to get a smile,
from nine, awesome suvivors
here in the Host’s body!

Another day, another migraine

Therapy Tuesday went something like this….

  • Run at 5:30am, it’s 22 degrees, I’m with my friend, in the dark, fighting a slight headache, and pushing her to go 5.5 miles.
  • 8:30am-headed out for BSF (Bible Study Fellowship) where we are studying the book of Revelation.  So much stuff, so deep, so much imagery, so much interpretation, so, so much…learning so much too!
  • Somewhere between point #2 and #3, I switched. My teenage part was triggered and now sitting there listening to the speaker share a personal story about being a rebellious teenager and talking to her Christian parents.  I guess she was feeling uneasy about the entire content.
  • I “came back” for the last point- #3, only to find myself with an uneasy, was anyone watching me, could they tell, what just happened, kinda feeling.  Switching in public is the worst, I tell ya!  What’s even worser (I made that word up) is switching while in a church full of women (respectfully older than me) while learning about the bible!
  • On my drive home, I’m struggling to stay present.  I want to smoke, but I hate to smoke!  I want to cut, but I don’t cut.  I want to drink, but I’m driving.  Are you following the madness of it all?? I want to numb…
  • 2hours until therapy, I can make it.  But for what?  I am not sure what really happened.  I guess I’ll figure it out when I get there.
  • Therapy starts at 1:30 and ends at 3:00….OMG it’s 3:00, I’m standing in the middle of my therapist’s office, coat on, migraine pounding, and I feel completely dissociated.
  • Do I go home, go to work (where I’m supposed to go), head to the bathroom to vomit because of the migraine, lay down on the floor because I can barely move or sit in the lobby until it “magically” goes away??
  • I decide to sit in the lobby and wait for it to pass, but I don’t make it there (prob 10 steps) because I have to throw up.  I go back to the chairs in the lobby and, wait, wait, wait and then decide to head to my car….
  • Back to the bathroom to vomit again, then back to the chairs, then up to leave, back to the bathroom, back to the chairs….damn!  I’m making my head spin just typing this!
  • Apparently I’m there doing this for a whole hour, because she (therapist) comes out to get another client, and I’m still there!  She calls my “support team” so someone can take me home.
  • I just need to take my migraine pill, oh, but I left my purse in the car and that is where I keep the pills.  NICE!
  • My friend comes, because my husband can’t get there, and she drags me to her truck, rolls me in the backseat, I curl up in a ball, and try and hold it in until I get home.
  • What the hell happened today?  What took place between BSF and therapy?  What was said in therapy?  Why am I having a migraine again? WHHHHYYYYY?
  • After I take my “cocktail” of migraine meds, I feel numb, kind of paralyzed, awake- but not really.  I hate and love the feeling, all at the same time.

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…He will wipe every tear from my eyes

imagesRevelation 7:17 says, “For the Lamb on the throne will be their Shepherd.  He will lead them to springs of life-giving water.  And God will wipe every tear from their eyes.”

One day, we will be made new, whole, healed, no more sorrow and no more tears.  I long for this day, but for now I will praise God in the storms; the days when if feels like I have been overtaken with the burdens of my past.

Today I helped my friend lead worship in a small church.  I love to worship, but it has not been easy for me this past year.  I struggle with strong emotions and most times have to cancel last minute.  As we prepared for this morning, things were going well, and I felt as though God was giving me a small blessing to be able to share who He is, with this group of people.

However, as the service time grew closer, the tears began to form and I wasn’t sure why it was happening.  Inside, I felt a stirring, possibly K (my teenage part), I wasn’t sure.  I would sing, and then feel more tears surface, sing more, and cry more.  The pastor shared a verse from Revelation 5, about Jesus, the Lamb who was slaughtered and blood poured out for each one of us, for the forgiveness of our sins.  I am currently doing a study in the book of Revelation, and I had learned of this verse and it’s true meaning. Today, as I listened to it being read, I couldn’t stop the tears.

When I got home, I decided to text my therapist, to see if she may have some insight into what might be going on with K or what.  She has been talking to her during our therapy sessions, but I haven’t been able to hear their conversations the past two sessions.  She said they have been talking about God, how He loves her, how He’s washed her white was snow, and that she is a new creation, etc. Wow, all these feelings were surfacing during church this morning.

I know it’s rare, but I am thankful I chose a Christian therapist 4 years ago, because she has helped me in so many ways.  I have struggled, since my DID diagnosis, with my relationship with the Lord.  I know He loves me and He has a plan for my life that is GOOD,  that He will never leave, abandon or abuse me (unlike my parents).  She reminds me of His truths and promises, and I am truly grateful for her leadership in this area.  On top of all that, she is extremely gifted in working with Dissociative Identity Disorder.  She is an answer to my prayers and God is using her in mighty ways to bring healing- spiritually, emotionally, and mentally.

I am always in awe of how God works, even when I doubt, when I’m afraid, or if I feel like He isn’t there.  I have an 8yr old part (Wendy) who taught me a song this past year.  She used to sing it in therapy, and eventually I looked it up online to see if it was an actual song.  Guess what?  It was!

The lyrics were from the “Inscription of Hope”: Based on fragments of Jewish text found on a cellar wall in Cologne, Germany during the Holocaust- World War II.  It is believed  to have been scrawled by a child hiding from the Nazis in 1943.

“I believe in the sun
even when it is not shining
And I believe in love
even when there’s no one there
And I believe in God
even when He is silent”
She has inspired not only me, but the “others” inside with this song of hope.  And we believe…even when God is silent.
 Psalm 91:4 says, “He will cover you with his feathers. He will shelter you with his wings. His faithful promises are your armor and protection.”
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Peace with the Pieces

Today was my long session in therapy, and it always makes me nervous as to what will take place.  This week has been a struggle, with lots of switching, unhealthy behaviors, sleepless nights and migraines.  By the time Friday got here, I was absolutely exhausted, and wondering if I should take a break from therapy.

It always seems to be a theme with me; when things get overwhelming, or new pieces of information surfaces that is difficult, I want to quit therapy.  This time, I actually brought it up with my therapist.  It went something like this:

me:  I was thinking, would it be damaging or not, if I took a break for awhile?

therapist:  Yes, that is not a very good idea.  So no, we need to keep moving forward with this new information.

me:  Maybe I could have some time to think about how I can fix this, and then I’ll come back.

therapist: No, I’ll see you Friday.

Now, I know that almost sounds a bit harsh, but you have to know my therapist.  She genuinely, is so kind and compassionate and at times has agreed that maybe skipping a session would be okay.  However, not this time, and she was straight forward, honest, and not budging.  I knew when I said it out loud, that it didn’t make much sense to try and figure this out “on my own”.  If I could figure it out alone, I wouldn’t need a therapist….duh!

I’m glad I went, or at least my teenage part went.  She did some brave work again today.  She shared how she felt guilty, dirty, gross and ashamed.  She felt bad that she couldn’t do something to stop the abuse from my dad.  She shared pieces I had been getting in my dreams or random memories throughout the week. It’s one of the ways my parts give me new pieces of information. She shared about feeling frozen, paralyzed, like she couldn’t move; it makes me sad to even type this out.  I think that is a common response that is shared among those who have been abused.

When I “came back”- that’s what I call it when I’m not present while my parts are out.  I opened my eyes and the room was sideways.  I closed them real fast, opened them again, still sideways.  *sigh* I think, “deep breath, it’s okay that you are laying halfway on the couch.  D (therapist) understands this happens sometimes.”  Then I think, “crap! where is she? OMG, am I laying on a pillow on her lap?  What happened here?  Was K (part) so upset she had to lie down?  Did she have a migraine again? Is this safe, are we going to be hurt by this somehow?”  I felt embarrassed and afraid at the same time.  I feels wrong to want comfort, but we all have needed it along the way.

I slowly sit up, D stands up and says she is going to the restroom.  I stand up, almost fall back down, but make my way over to the small mirror hanging on the wall.  My mascara is all over my face, my make-up is all rubbed off, and my head feels like I’ve been crying all morning.  K has been out for over an hour, which alway makes me tired.  I try to feel compassion for her.  I am sure she needed comforted, she has been so hurt, and she hates being so vulnerable.  It had to be difficult for her to allow D to comfort her in that way.

Honestly, it’s something we’ve never had.  I have never wanted to let anyone in that close, or allowed people to hug me.  I didn’t know what to do with any of that.  At some level, I longed for it, but at another level, it scared me to death.  My thinking has always been, when people say they care and love you…they will ultimately abuse and abandon you.

I have learned, from being in therapy and allowing D to model healthy relationships, that I can learn to trust others in this area.  Not just anyone, but a small circle of friends and family.  Some days are easier than others, and I’m learning that I need it and it is not a BAD thing.  People do genuinely care about us…

T I R E D

tumblr_nun9tnZc6j1r1ekaro1_500Last night I slept for 1 hour!  I am exhausted, I feel hollow inside, and very tearful.  I hate feeling this way.  I want to curl up in a blanket and not come out.

Yesterday started with a migraine that I fought all day with meds….not much relief.  I didn’t eat all day, so that me jittery and my heart was pounding out of my chest.  I seemed vaguely present to my family, tried to eat a little, but I only wanted to lay down and slip away.  Let another part of me be out instead.

When I decided to get ready for bed, my nose started bleeding out of nowhere, so I washed my face, took my anxiety pill and got into bed.

As I laid there, I said to myself, “I’m going to sleep all night, maybe even get 4-5 hours.”  I feel my body relax, my mind slowing down, and I’m slowly falling asleep…and then BAM!  I get this horrible vision of being sexually abused, and I’m wide awake.  I try to block it, think of something else, pray, anything, but it keeps coming back.

After an hour of so, I find myself over the toilet, throwing up, blood streaming out my nose, and crying.  However, I’m strangely aware that I am not the one doing do it, it’s like I’m hovering over the top.  I can’t make it stop!  It’s like I’m pounding on a glass window for anyone to hear me, “Make it stop!” I go back to bed and just lay there…awake.

1443478247I put on my running clothes, it’s 5:30am, my friend arrives and we run.  I don’t want to stop, I feel in control, I don’t even know how I have any strength- to run.  It helps me, somehow, and for that hour, I tell myself, “I can do this!” When I return, I’m exhausted, dizzy, nauseated, and I want to sleep.  So, I get in the shower, get dressed and head to work.

I don’t feel safe right now.  I can’t fix how I’m feeling or the part of me who is struggling so much on the inside.  It feels out of control.

 

 

Inner dialogue

self talkAs all of us with DID know, we have constant inner dialogue happening-whether we are aware or not, whether we accept it or not, and whether we desire it or not!  Sometimes we can shut it out, and other times it’s all we hear.  It is a component of who we are and how we function.  In the beginning we think everyone has this kind of dialogue happening too. And it’s always shocking when we find out, oh, it’s just us!

This past week has been some of the hardest, no, it has been the single, most difficult work, I have attempted. Since beginning my therapy 3 years ago, the last 2 years being intensive, I can honestly say, no one could have prepared me for what I was about to go through.  Like those of us with DID, PTSD, OCD, eating disorders, traumas, abuse, etc…. there is no, one “fix all” to use.

Learning about sexual abuse was hard, learning about it happening to me, even harder, then learning that one of the times involved my dad…unbearable.  I’m still not doing well with this new information.  I’m trying to care for the part of me that endured it, but at the same time, realizing it was me, and having to deal with that as well- it’s been excruciating.  I feel like I’m failing at both ends.  I feel shame, disgust, dirty, bad, defective, sad, very sad, hurt, angry…..you get the idea.  When will it stop?  Will I ever be okay?  Am I even getting better?  I want to run away, hide, never get out of bed, isolate, numb…..Ahhhhhhhh

Then today, I was reminded of this psalm that was given to me before I left my job and began the intense work 2 years ago.

Psalm 13~ A psalm of David.

Lord, how long will you forget me? Forever?
    How long will you look the other way?
How long must I struggle with anguish in my soul,
    with sorrow in my heart every day?
    How long will my enemy have the upper hand?

Turn and answer me, O Lord my God!
    Restore the sparkle to my eyes, or I will die.
Don’t let my enemies gloat, saying, “We have defeated him!”
    Don’t let them rejoice at my downfall.

But I trust in your unfailing love.
    I will rejoice because you have rescued me.
I will sing to the Lord
    because he is good to me.

 

David is pleading with God, asking the question I have asked God so many, thousands, of times- HOW LONG?  But even in the depth of his cry to God, David, like me (most days) hangs on every word of verses 5 and 6!  BUT, you know there is always a BUT!  But I will trust your unfailing love!  God’s love is unfailing, unchanging, unconditional and unending.  You are His beloved, prized possession and He has a wonderful purpose for your life, despite where you find yourself today.

When people look down upon us, God doesn’t see what they see. He knows the end from the beginning and He uses everything in our life to restore, redeem, make you whole, and put you back together again.  The struggle, difficulty, trial, setback, and loss will one day be a testimony.

I’m truly blessed and beyond grateful for my therapist, who knows so much about DID.  I am abundantly blessed with an incredible husband of 25 years, and my boys.  My husband constantly loves, supports and encourages each part of me, he calls them “his girls”…except for the two boys. 🙂  I have wonderful friends, who have walked along side me and my family.  Love you all!

Day 2-can’t shake the grief

Well, it’s my second day in the same clothes as yesterday! Got up Saturday and never got out of my PJs. Today is more of the same. I can’t seem to shake the grief, shame, sadness, hurt, sometimes anger and thoughts that maybe it’s not true!

I don’t know what to do! Usually, I text my therapist, but I’m too ashamed. She is so great and let’s me text when I need too.  I don’t want to hear how God is in control, that He has me, that He loves me! I know all that…just don’t want to hear it right now.

I want to roll up in the blanket and never come out-ever! Help me!!!