Today feels like a continuation of the previous ones…banging my head against the brick wall, and getting nowhere. Why are these things happening? What can I do to help those on the inside feel better? Am I kidding myself by thinking, any of this is going to get better? Why? When? What for? This cannot be what God has intended for my life, is it?
My binging and purging is becoming out of control. I’m not even sure what happened. And I’m not even sure how to get a handle on it all. I have come a long way, as far as being in recovery, only to have it hit a level of acceleration. Emotionally it is exhausting, but physically, it has become extremely difficult. I am abusing my body, and honestly, it scares me!
I know that it scares my family, because like me, they don’t know how to help. The idea that I may be found lying face down, on the floor, in the middle of the night, is troublesome for everyone. It feels like going from one addiction to another, but I don’t know why. Well, I do, there is a part of me that simple needs to numb her emotions. But, after 3 years of therapy, you would think I could figure out why things happen, what the triggers are, and how to stop the addictive behaviors.
I have decided to take something to curb my appetite, in the attempt that I will not binge. Not sure it’s the best solution, but for now, I believe it’s the best choice. Her words constantly ring in my ears, “I don’t want to feel.”
Took a break from writing yesterday. As I was putting thoughts together, my therapist called to see how things were going. She leaves today, and I won’t see her until January 5th. Now, I am back, to finish up this blog post that has taken me 3 days to finish! My phone call went something like this…
Therapist: “How are you doing?”
Me: “Gooooood, I’m fine, I guess.”
Therapist: ” I wanted to touch-base with you before I left, and to make sure (insider) was doing ok or if she needed to talk.”
Me: “Ya, I doubt she will talk on the phone. I can’t get her to journal or talk to me.”
I proceed to tell my therapist all the things that have been going on since we last met. She has lots of questions , which I can’t answer, and she’s not really surprised by the behaviors either. Shocker!!
Me: “This all feels very overwhelming and frustrating, because I don’t know what to do, or say, to help her.”
Therapist: “Do you think she is listening to our conversation right now?”
I’m thinking…really?? Of course she is listening! I’m pacing the office, standing up, sitting down, feel somewhat agitated, and I want to hang up on you.
Me: “I feel like she is; I’m having a hard time sitting still.”
At this point, my therapist, begins to speak to her indirectly, using her name, saying she would be willing to listen, if (insider) would like to talk, she knows it helped (insider) in the past, and she hates to see her in so much pain, etc. A few minutes later, (Insider) arrives…
Insider: “I don’t want to talk about this, okay?”
Therapist: “I know you don’t, but it would be very helpful. We would know how to help you, and you would feel better.”
Insider: “It isn’t going away, what’s the point.”
Therapist: “The pain? Yes, it will, go away. Pain is temporary, we all need to feel it, before we can get past it. It’s not going to go away by doing the harmful things to your body. And if you continue to do harmful behaviors to cover it up, you will not only hurt yourself, but everyone else too.”
Insider: “But, I don’t like how it feels. I don’t want to hurt anyone. I just want it to go away.”
Therapist: “I know you do, but you’re going to have to talk to me about it, eventually. You know the voices are gone, and are never coming back.”
Insider: “How do you know, for sure? He said he was never leaving!”
Therapist: “I do know for sure, and he will never, ever be back. He can’t hurt you anymore. It probably feels weird not hearing him, right?”
Insider: “Ya, I don’t know what to do. It seems so strange. Are you sure he is gone?”
Therapist: “Yes, I am positive. God took care of it, for good. You can trust Him! Now, how can I help you see that?”
Insider: “I don’t need any help. There isn’t anything, anyone, can do for me.”
Therapist: “Yes, God wants to help you, I want to help you, and so does (Me). We all love and care about you!”
This went on for awhile, but the bottom line is; I could feel a change happening on the inside, with her. She let her defenses down, heard how much she is loved, not only by us, but from God. And He will NEVER leave, abandon, or hurt her! We still have several things to talk about/through, when my therapist comes back. However, for now, she is in a much better place.
I’m truly blessed to be counseled by a godly woman, who walks with the Lord, shares His love with those she meets, and allows Him to use her, as she helps others. She has a true spirit of humility, and gives all the glory to God! She has led and mentored the parts of me to a relationship with Jesus, and prays for us everyday! What a blessing! God is Good- He has made all the difference. He is healing me. He is making me whole! And, He loves me!
Yes, Jesus love me,
Yes, Jesus loves me,
Yes, Jesus loves me,
The bible tells me so!