Christmas day was filled with new beginnings, a wonderful time with my husband and boys, and doing what I need to do to be well, or as another fellow blogger put it…
“You need to do what you need to do to be safe! And if that means not pretending anymore that you belong to a freakin’ Norman Rockwell, Hallmark card family full of squishy hugs and cookie kisses then so be it and they can kiss your ass!” CimmerianInk
It is never easy to go through the “firsts”- as I call them. The first year not communicating with my family; the family that has harmed me, not believed me, and thinks mental illness/DID is something I made up. Even though it would seem like an easy decision, it has been emotionally difficult.
There are always “ripple effects” no one can see. Like when you through a rock into the water, you see the big ripples, but the ones fading out from the middle, are not easily seen. These “ripple effects” are consequences that occur when communication is cut off. My contact with nieces and nephews are limited, and that is a painful reality for me. I can only trust that God knows and He has something good planned-even when I cannot see how.
My day ended with a major turn of events, that I still have not figured out. My husband and I sat down around 9pm to watch a movie (Inside Out), which I had seen before. When the scene came up with Riley at the dinner table (after she lost her core memories), and she was upset and agitated, so she responded with sarcasm to her dad’s questions.
Even though Riley couldn’t understand what she was feeling, I think her behavior triggered her dad’s anger, which in turn, triggered a teenage part within me, and I felt instantly sick. My teenage part, who is bulimic, knows this type of scene all to well, with my own dad. She spiraled quickly, and what was once a happy Christmas day, disintegrated into a scene from my past.
Today, I’m still trying to put the pieces together. Why was I so quickly triggered, then throwing up, passing out on the floor, switching back and forth, and not being able to gain control? My husband was doing the best he could to help. He prayed over us, checked on us and even contemplated calling my therapist.
I realize these types of things are going to happen, but why did it happen yesterday? Things were going so well! Again, I have to lean in, trust God, and know He is in control, even when I am NOT!