Today was my last therapy session of the year! 2015 will soon be over and we will be ringing in the New Year: 2016! It will be 2 weeks without a therapy session, since my therapist is taking time off for the holidays. Now, as of yesterday, I was feeling pretty good about it all. Today, I am fighting back a flood of emotions. I hate when these feelings surface!
“Do I honestly believe I can’t survive 2 weeks? Am I that screwed up inside?What is wrong with me? I hate feeling so dependent on therapy. Am I dependent on therapy? OMG, why did I share that horrible dream I had 2 days ago? Now, I have to somehow make the pain stop, quit feeling, numb those emotions, and pretend that I’m okay. Breathe, I can do this. I’ve done it before and I can do it again.”
The thing about DID, for me, is, some days you can feel completely normal. Then, in a moment, you can feel like things are unraveling and unstable inside. Like, out of nowhere, you have this dream (as was the case for me) and you are stupid and share it on the last 2 days of therapy.
It’s 2 days before Christmas, typically this has always been a huge trip back home to see family. However, this year, I needed to break off all communication with my dad & mom (because of their part in my abuse). My siblings don’t understand, since they refuse to understand how mental illness works, even after I’ve tried to explain it to them. And somehow, I need to create a new and happy tradition for myself, my husband and sons. Why does it work this way?
I realize this probably sounds like a bunch of nonsense blabbering…and it very well could be! Truth is, I’m scared. Scared of what this dream means. Scared for my parts, and who it affects. Scared, that I don’t know how to react appropriately, or even when I should, or when to begin to own these memories. Scared, I should not have said all of this to begin with, 2 days ago.
This was how it ended in therapy:
Therapist: “So what are you feeling?”
Me (Insider): “I don’t feel anything”
Therapist: “I think you do”
Me (Insider): “I don’t want to feel anything”
Therapist: “It’s important that you do, and not harm yourself trying to keep it inside. It hurts you and the others.”
Me (Insider): “But, I don’t like how it feels”
**Didn’t post this when I finished, but decided to go ahead and publish it anyway. Need to be honest!