not deserving…

sad

having a difficult evening.  good things can happen to me, and instead of embracing them, i sabotage them every time.  i want to be happy, feel loved, accepted, and trust others, but again, when those thoughts are displayed by others, i collapse on the inside.  no one knows, because i can’t verbalize the emptiness it creates.

this is not what god has for me or my life; i know that to be truth.  yet, over and over again, i find myself in this freaking pit.  “why can’t i trust you, god, why?  why do i create such difficulty in my life?  i want to believe every promise you’ve spoken, is in fact, a promise!”

so, the struggle with my flesh continues.  i want to shut down, numb out, hide away, because this is too much.  and if it too much for me, well then, it’s over the top, for those in my life, to handle.

the child within feels broken into pieces… i don’t have what it takes to reach in, hug her so tight, that her broken pieces come together.

young boy_edit2

 

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