Recently, I read a description of someone with DID, it caught my attention instantly, almost as if she knew exactly how I felt for many years. Here is what she had to say about the beginning of her journey.
“I felt like I was constantly pushing a wheelbarrow full of frogs down a bumpy, winding road. The frogs would not stay put; they croaked at the slightest movement and made the wheelbarrow lean over dangerously whenever I encountered a bump or a pothole on my way. It often took more strength than I thought I had to keep this wheelbarrow upright and to continue down the road.
The worst part, however, was that I didn’t see anyone else struggling with such a peculiar load. I was ashamed of my wheelbarrow and did my best to make sure that nobody would notice it. After all, what could I answer if someone were to ask me how I came by so many frogs? To be honest, I hardly knew most of my frogs. I thought of them as green monsters and regarded them as no more than a burden that I had to bear. I did not even know how or when some of them had climbed into my wheelbarrow- or why?
Then one day, when I arrived at the biggest, deepest pothole in the road, I realized that I could no longer do this alone and that I needed help from someone else to keep the wheelbarrow upright on this stretch of the road. It took a lot of courage and a great deal of trust to dare ask for that help- trust in that other person, but even more, genuine trust in myself. I needed to believe that I could ask for such help, that I would not helplessly collapse if someone cast an eye on my many frogs, and that together we would find a way past, through, or over the biggest obstacles.”
My takeaways from this were: I needed to acknowledge, get to know, and learn how to rely upon all my parts. And also, to connect with, begin to trust others and myself. What I know to be true is that there are people whom I can trust, that are safe, and worthy to hear my story; people who care, show compassion, and love-even on the hardest of days.
I believe I have come to a place where my takeaways have become reality. I am thankful for the support, care and kindness. However, I would have not been able to “keep my wheelbarrow upright” if it weren’t for my therapist. She always has my best interest at heart. She possess’ the knowledge, experience, and the empathic skills to help guide me on my own journey. She put a name to something I could not and would not name, and revealed what I elected to never uncover. She taught me how to trust God, others and myself. And I watched her begin to trust me; something that I valued deeply. I am extremely grateful for her counsel, her kindness, and her walk with the Lord.
I am still learning new skills every week, I’m not perfect, I have meltdowns, but I’m not giving up because I am worth it! And I have people in my life who love my “frogs” and me.
There are some days that my parts have to help me guide the wheelbarrow, keep it upright, and continue on the journey. I would not have survived without each and every part-they truly are a gift from God.