but…”I just want my mom”

child_hand_reaching_out-t2I don’t know how many times I have heard that cry from the depth of my being, from the parts of me, the young children, who never experienced what the love of a mother is all about.  They desperately want a mom who will consistently, love them unconditionally, nurture them, hold and care for them, comfort and show compassion for them and listen without criticism or judgment.  The cries, at times, seems overwhelmingly painful, cries I cannot comfort.  Why can’t I help them?  The answer is simple:  I just want my mom too!  The age old saying, “You can’t give what you don’t have”  was beaten into my head while working in ministry.  I hated knowing that I was not good enough as a child and then finding out I was still not good enough as an adult.

We found ways to comfort ourselves though, ways that were unhealthy, but brought a sense of comfort all the same.  For some of us it was an, eating disorder, alcohol, exercise, prescription drugs, cutting, stealing, and perfectionism.  While the littles, simply saw no boundaries and attached themselves to anyone who would show love. These behaviors are a desperate attempt to be “good enough” or fill that emptiness within.

I have learned that I may never get what I so intensely need.  She may never change, and I have to accept that.  The other day, my therapist said something I have let swirl about in my head.  She said that, she believes, God can give us someone in our lives to replace that “mom”, or He gives us friendships that have attributes of the things we never received (simply hugging me when I’m sobbing uncontrolably), or maybe He does it all by Himself….because He is God and He can!  At times I believe this to be true, but others times I’m not sure.

However here is an example:

I think about never being rocked as a child.  My husband, on the other hand was always rocked by his mom.  To this day, he rocks so hard, that the base of the chair comes off the floor.  Now that is some serious rocking! In the past year, I have found myself crawling up in his lap and letting him rock me.  He loves it, for many reasons.  But for me, it is allowing him to hold all of us, rock us, offering us comfort and a safe place to be.  I know that is a sweet gift God gave me in my husband.

Our need for a mother or father’s love and approval almost out weighs the need for oxygen. Parents can be so emotionally reserved or detached, they have no idea their child is left with a gnawing ache for affection and/or approval. As a result, there is an unfillable hole in us that refuses to diminish even after we have grown into adulthood.

Some of us suffering this way can minimize the significance of having felt deprived of love as a child. We may even justify the abusive behavior.  However, like malnutrition in a child can have serious, long-term complications, so can the feeling of being unloved, abandoned, and unwanted. Unfortunately, this unmet desire for a parents approval or love can not only last a lifetime, it can evolve into a gut-wrenching, painful, empty feeling of inadequacy that produces an ongoing need to be “good enough,” or even result in self-hatred.

All of this can separate us from a relationship with God and what He wants to do for us. I’m challenging myself to seek God for this healing- this horrible feeling of emptiness.  He cares deeply for me, for all of us!  He wants to restore what has been lost.

“Jesus loves me this I know, for the bible tells me so.  Little ones to Him belong, they are weak, but He is strong.  Yes, Jesus loves me! Yes, Jesus loves me! Yes, Jesus loves me.  The bible tells me so”.

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Cindy (my inner artist) drew this for my younger part who was was afraid, but eventually able to reach out and take the hand of someone who cared.
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3 thoughts on “but…”I just want my mom”

  1. If your husband is walking the healing journey with you, you might want to check out attachment theory. It meshes very well with Christianity. And even if he isn’t, you can still apply parts of it like you already are doing when you allow him to rock everyone on the inside.

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    1. He is my biggest supporter! Like you, in the beginning, he didn’t know what to do or say. I am sure he had similar feelings you’ve shared in your blog. We have gone to lots of therapy appts. together, especially when I can’t communicate what is going on inside. He loves the parts of me and they have felt safe and secure with him. He has modeled, for them, a positive male figure for the first time. Thanks

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