I don’t know how many times I have heard that cry from the depth of my being, from the parts of me, the young children, who never experienced what the love of a mother is all about. They desperately want a mom who will consistently, love them unconditionally, nurture them, hold and care for them, comfort and show compassion for them and listen without criticism or judgment. The cries, at times, seems overwhelmingly painful, cries I cannot comfort. Why can’t I help them? The answer is simple: I just want my mom too! The age old saying, “You can’t give what you don’t have” was beaten into my head while working in ministry. I hated knowing that I was not good enough as a child and then finding out I was still not good enough as an adult.
I have learned that I may never get what I so intensely need. She may never change, and I have to accept that. The other day, my therapist said something I have let swirl about in my head. She said that, she believes, God can give us someone in our lives to replace that “mom”, or He gives us friendships that have attributes of the things we never received (simply hugging me when I’m sobbing uncontrolably), or maybe He does it all by Himself….because He is God and He can! At times I believe this to be true, but others times I’m not sure.
However here is an example:
I think about never being rocked as a child. My husband, on the other hand was always rocked by his mom. To this day, he rocks so hard, that the base of the chair comes off the floor. Now that is some serious rocking! In the past year, I have found myself crawling up in his lap and letting him rock me. He loves it, for many reasons. But for me, it is allowing him to hold all of us, rock us, offering us comfort and a safe place to be. I know that is a sweet gift God gave me in my husband.
Our need for a mother or father’s love and approval almost out weighs the need for oxygen. Parents can be so emotionally reserved or detached, they have no idea their child is left with a gnawing ache for affection and/or approval. As a result, there is an unfillable hole in us that refuses to diminish even after we have grown into adulthood.
Some of us suffering this way can minimize the significance of having felt deprived of love as a child. We may even justify the abusive behavior. However, like malnutrition in a child can have serious, long-term complications, so can the feeling of being unloved, abandoned, and unwanted. Unfortunately, this unmet desire for a parents approval or love can not only last a lifetime, it can evolve into a gut-wrenching, painful, empty feeling of inadequacy that produces an ongoing need to be “good enough,” or even result in self-hatred.
All of this can separate us from a relationship with God and what He wants to do for us. I’m challenging myself to seek God for this healing- this horrible feeling of emptiness. He cares deeply for me, for all of us! He wants to restore what has been lost.
“Jesus loves me this I know, for the bible tells me so. Little ones to Him belong, they are weak, but He is strong. Yes, Jesus loves me! Yes, Jesus loves me! Yes, Jesus loves me. The bible tells me so”.