Wednesday was a complete and utter emotional disaster. I was only able to sleep 2 hours the night before, from 5am to 7am. My friends all wonder how it is I can function on such little sleep. You know run, work, talk, walk-all the basic life functions. The short answer is, I manage- “I’m fine”, the long answer is, I am deteriorating on the inside.
I spent most of the day crying from the time I got out of the shower, to the drive to work and at work. One of the benefits for me is working for two therapists…they get me! I tried to text my therapist for a last minute appointment, but she never got the message. I hate when I get to the place where I need to see her.
Why can’t I sleep, why do I cry so much? These are my questions on a regular basis. However, I am being flooded by strong emotions of simply wanting my mom! REALLY? The woman who couldn’t love me without conditions, emotionally detached, couldn’t nurture me…why would I cry over that? But at the end of the day, she is who I want to call and say, “I’ve had a hard day.” But I also know if I did that, it would be followed by put-downs, criticism, judgment, and false compassion. And, yet this is what I long for…Geesh!
This is why I end up in my closet sobbing about nothing for hours. There is no answer. No one can fill that void. And I AM PISSED OFF that I even want that! Arrrgh This cycle is driving me crazy.
So after 3 hours of sleep last night, I feel the same waves moving in slowly. The tears hanging on the edge, waiting for the look, song, smell, thought, or whatever it will be, before they drop off the edge into another day of emotional chaos.
These are the days when I wish I owned a convertible, had a friend named Thelma, and we were headed off the cliff…
Sorry for the downer entry this morning. Keeping it real!