“2 AM and I’m still awake, writing a song
If I get it all down on paper, it’s no longer inside of me,
Threatening the life it belongs to
And I feel like I’m naked in front of the crowd
Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud
And I know that you’ll use them, however you want to. But you can’t jump the track, we’re like cars on a cable,
And life’s like an hourglass, glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button now
Sing it if you understand.
and breathe, just breathe”
When I started to type this post, it was 2:50am. The lyrics to this old song continued to flood my mind, so I decided to “get it all out”. Not real sure why I’m awake at this hour, not that it’s a shocker, most nights are like this. However, it will only make for a very long day and me trying to figure out why????
I’ve been struggling at time from withholding information from my therapist until I can make some or more sense of what is happening…usually on the inside. At first, it made complete sense to me- why would I go in there and say something is bothering me, but I simply don’t know what it is, or why I’m thinking about it?? But isn’t that why I go? Aren’t we supposed to tackle those “things” together?
As I’ve been laying awake, here is what I believe could be part of this problem:
- No one believed me as a child, why would anyone start now?
- Because I wasn’t believed, I must be defective somehow?
- What if I REALLY say what’s going on inside? She may think I’m crazy.
- And if painful memories continue to come back, followed by body memories, will I ever fully be healed?
- Can I trust God enough to do what He has promised?
- Will there be an end or even an answer to my past?
If I continue to leave out information, we can’t get to the solution, because she doesn’t know what I know. Sounds like a great idea, right? Then why is it so difficult. I completely trust her, she has so much knowledge and background, so very gifted, kind, compassionate, able to push when I need pushed, direct when I am unsure, and she knows God is working in powerful ways- as we are seeing results of that all the time. She has been and continues to be willing to “strap on our seat belts” and head down this fast track together.
Perhaps I am over-thinking this whole thing! Or maybe the solution is as simple as granting myself some grace, learning to breathe, and allowing the people God put in my life to counsel me….to do their job. God is God, and I am not. It’s okay to not have all the answers…just breathe.