Tomorrow is going to be a big day for one of my little’s, Kathleen, and me. Kathleen is 7, and has recently shared her abuse story with our therapist. It took her several weeks, since she was so scared. Her fear of sharing was mainly due to people in our life who tried to help, but ended up hurting us. One woman, who had good intentions, loved God, wanted to teach us about Him, pray for us, and help me through my bulimia, but ended up getting emotionally attached. Which hurt Kathleen badly.
Kathleen viewed our therapist, as possibly another person who “wanted to help”, talk to her about God and His love for her, and then hurt her as well. Makes total sense, but that is not what our therapist was/is doing, and that is why it took so long for her to trust her.
After several visits, earning our therapist’s trust, feeling more safe, and moving toward freedom from the past, I am confident that God is working miracles in her life too. In her last conversation during a therapy session, she asked if she could have a doll. Of course, she can, right??
She shared she had begged her mom and dad for a certain doll, and after a long battle, they finally bought her one. The problem was, our mom felt as though it could be dangerous (long story), so she got rid of it. What? I cannot imagine what that was like. And I can’t, because I have little memory of having the doll. However, for Kathleen, it was yet another painful experience she had to go through.
There are all kinds of memories wrapped up, in and around having this doll. I won’t bore you with all the details, but it has caused several of us to have a great deal of anxiety. So much so, that I haven’t been able to go get her one.
The thing about having DID, is the constant head noise and chaos. And at times, seems overwhelming. Most of the chatter in my head is, “Why haven’t you gotten her a doll?”, “Please go buy her a doll.” and that is understandable. The answer, I really don’t know. It’s as though something/someone doesn’t want me to get the doll.
Tomorrow is the day I am supposed to get her the doll….I almost can’t breathe typing this. I can swear I hear my dad’s voice cussing at me, and telling me I can’t have a doll. I’ve been hearing his critical, “I’m not good enough”, berating voice for awhile now, but I don’t know what to make of it. He lives in another state, I don’t talk to him, and yet, on a daily basis, I hear him say horrible things to me. It’s like it was when I was growing up!! Does anyone understand what I’m talking about????
I keep thinking it’s going to go away and I’ll stop hearing it! At times, I think he is literally a part of me, but how can that be?? Maybe it will go away…