3:00am….still awake!

I hate the nights when I’m up the entire time. I’m usually wondering what is going on inside, but this morning, I have a pretty good idea.  The anxiety of getting this baby doll today has consumed my thoughts.

I made an attempt to let my therapist know it was a bad idea, that maybe we should cancel the shopping trip.  Of course, she didn’t see things my way.  This is nothing knew, and I realize the importance of getting my little one a doll.

But why all the anxiety?  Is it the berating voice inside, sounding exactly like my father, telling me I have no business buying a doll?  I have listened to this voice my whole life, and even after we moved away, and stopped all communication.  I still hear it in the deepest, darkest, regions of my mind.

I’m not going to lie, it feels scary at times.  Like I’m a child again, frozen in fear, unable to formulate words and incapable of walking away-and he is standing in front of me.  There are times when I see a shadow, perhaps of him, lingering in the darkest areas of my mind.  I wonder if I’m the only one who hears the tormenting, disapproving, condemning, and insulting statements.

Never good enough then, still not good enough now!  Work harder, do better, accomplish more, make it right, no mistakes, do as I say, no one else will do it, be serious, don’t take so long, this is not fun and games….and on and on.

I know that with God, I am enough, just as I am.  He is my real Father, who loves without conditions, cares for, hears, protects, and uplifts me.  He wants good things for me-all the time.  I pray I can hear His voice above that which is a constant ringing in my ear, of an abusive father.  I am a child of God!




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