Monthly Archives: December 2015

Hit a brick wall

Today feels like a continuation of the previous ones…banging my head against the brick wall, and getting nowhere.  Why are these things happening?  What can I do to help those on the inside feel better?  Am I kidding myself by thinking, any of this is going to get better?  Why?  When?  What for?  This cannot be what God has intended for my life, is it?

My binging and purging is becoming out of control.  I’m not even sure what happened.  And I’m not even sure how to get a handle on it all. I have come a long way, as far as being in recovery, only to have it hit a level of acceleration.  Emotionally it is exhausting, but physically, it has become extremely difficult.  I am abusing my body, and honestly, it scares me!

cc4c11a235beea6315297d9821817666

I know that it scares my family, because like me, they don’t know how to help.  The idea that I may be found lying face down, on the floor, in the middle of the night, is troublesome for everyone.  It feels like going from one addiction to another, but I don’t know why. Well, I do, there is a part of me that simple needs to numb her emotions. But, after 3 years of therapy, you would think I could figure out why things happen, what the triggers are, and how to stop the addictive behaviors.

I have decided to take something to curb my appetite, in the attempt that I will not binge.  Not sure it’s the best solution, but for now, I believe it’s the best choice. Her words constantly ring in my ears, “I don’t want to feel.”

*********

Took a break from writing yesterday.  As I was putting thoughts together, my therapist called to see how things were going.  She leaves today, and I won’t see her until January 5th.  Now, I am back, to finish up this blog post that has taken me 3 days to finish!  My phone call went something like this…

Therapist:  “How are you doing?”

Me:  “Gooooood, I’m fine, I guess.”

Therapist:  ” I wanted to touch-base with you before I left, and to make sure (insider) was doing ok or if she needed to talk.”

Me:  “Ya, I doubt she will talk on the phone.  I can’t get her to journal or talk to me.”

I proceed to tell my therapist all the things that have been going on since we last met.  She has lots of questions , which I can’t answer, and she’s not really surprised by the behaviors either. Shocker!!

Me:  “This all feels very overwhelming and frustrating, because I don’t know what to do, or say, to help her.”

Therapist:  “Do you think she is listening to our conversation right now?”

I’m thinking…really?? Of course she is listening!  I’m pacing the office, standing up, sitting down, feel somewhat agitated, and I want to hang up on you.

Me:  “I feel like she is; I’m having a hard time sitting still.”

At this point, my therapist, begins to  speak to her indirectly, using her name, saying she would be willing to listen, if (insider) would like to talk, she knows it helped (insider) in the past, and she hates to see her in so much pain, etc.  A few minutes later, (Insider) arrives…

Insider:  “I don’t want to talk about this, okay?”

Therapist:  “I know you don’t, but it would be very helpful.  We would know how to help you, and you would feel better.”

Insider:  “It isn’t going away, what’s the point.”

Therapist:  “The pain?  Yes, it will, go away.  Pain is temporary, we all need to feel it, before we can get past it.  It’s not going to go away by doing the harmful things to your body. And if you continue to do harmful behaviors to cover it up, you will not only hurt yourself, but everyone else too.”

….deep sigh….

Insider:  “But, I don’t like how it feels.  I don’t want to hurt anyone. I just want it to go away.”

Therapist:  “I know you do, but you’re going to have to talk to me about it, eventually.  You know the voices are gone, and are never coming back.”

Insider:  “How do you know, for sure? He said he was never leaving!”

Therapist:  “I do know for sure, and he will never, ever be back.  He can’t hurt you anymore.  It probably feels weird not hearing him, right?”

Insider:  “Ya, I don’t know what to do.  It seems so strange.  Are you sure he is gone?”

Therapist:  “Yes, I am positive.  God took care of it, for good.  You can trust Him!  Now, how can I help you see that?”

Insider:  “I don’t need any help.  There isn’t anything, anyone, can do for me.”

Therapist:  “Yes, God wants to help you, I want to help you, and so does (Me).  We all love and care about you!”

This went on for awhile, but the bottom line is; I could feel a change happening on the inside, with her.  She let her defenses down, heard how much she is loved, not only by us, but from God.  And He will NEVER leave, abandon, or hurt her!  We still have several things to talk about/through, when my therapist comes back.  However, for now, she is in a much better place.

I’m truly blessed to be counseled by a godly woman, who walks with the Lord, shares His love with those she meets, and allows Him to use her, as she helps others. She has a true spirit of humility, and gives all the glory to God!  She has led and mentored the parts of me to a relationship with Jesus, and prays for us everyday!  What a blessing!  God is Good- He has made all the difference.  He is healing me.  He is making me whole!  And, He loves me!

Yes, Jesus love me,

Yes, Jesus loves me,

Yes, Jesus loves me,

The bible tells me so!

1d45aa6e71add65b45b99edacddff386

 

 

 

 

 

All is calm, all is not right

Christmas day was filled with new beginnings, a wonderful time with my husband and boys, and doing what I need to do to be well, or as another fellow blogger put it…

“You need to do what you need to do to be safe! And if that means not pretending anymore that you belong to a freakin’ Norman Rockwell, Hallmark card family full of squishy hugs and cookie kisses then so be it and they can kiss your ass!”  CimmerianInk

It is never easy to go through the “firsts”- as I call them.  The first year not communicating with my family; the family that has harmed me, not believed me, and thinks mental illness/DID is something I made up.  Even though it would seem like an easy decision, it has been emotionally difficult.

2012-03-03

There are always “ripple effects” no one can see.  Like when you through a rock into the water, you see the big ripples, but the ones fading out from the middle, are not easily seen.  These “ripple effects” are consequences that occur when communication is cut off.  My contact with nieces and nephews are limited, and that is a painful reality for me.  I can only trust that God knows and He has something good planned-even when I cannot see how.

images-4

My day ended with a major turn of events, that I still have not figured out. My husband and I sat down around 9pm to watch a movie (Inside Out), which I had seen before.  When the scene came up with Riley at the dinner table (after she lost her core memories), and she was upset and agitated, so she responded with sarcasm to her dad’s questions.

Even though Riley couldn’t understand what she was feeling, I think her behavior triggered her dad’s anger, which in turn, triggered a teenage part within me, and I felt instantly sick.  My teenage part, who is bulimic, knows this type of scene all to well, with my own dad.  She spiraled quickly, and what was once a happy Christmas day, disintegrated into a scene from my past.

Today, I’m still trying to put the pieces together.  Why was I so quickly triggered, then throwing up, passing out on the floor, switching back and forth, and not being able to gain control?  My husband was doing the best he could to help.  He prayed over us, checked on us and even contemplated  calling my therapist.

I realize these types of things are going to happen, but why did it happen yesterday?  Things were going so well!  Again, I have to lean in, trust God, and know He is in control, even when I am NOT!

aaede90ffc448561b8417b53f55f0b45

 

“But, I don’t like how it feels”

Today was my last therapy session of the year!  2015 will soon be over and we will be ringing in the New Year: 2016!  It will be 2 weeks without a therapy session, since my therapist is taking time off for the holidays. Now, as of yesterday, I was feeling pretty good about it all.  Today, I am fighting back a flood of emotions.  I hate when these feelings surface!

“Do I honestly believe I can’t survive 2 weeks? Am I that screwed up inside?What is wrong with me?  I hate feeling so dependent on therapy.  Am I dependent on therapy?  OMG, why did I share that horrible dream I had 2 days ago?  Now, I have to somehow make the pain stop, quit feeling, numb those emotions, and pretend that I’m okay.  Breathe, I can do this.  I’ve done it before and I can do it again.”

The thing about DID, for me, is, some days you can feel completely normal.  Then, in a moment, you can feel like things are unraveling and unstable inside.  Like, out of nowhere, you have this dream (as was the case for me) and you are stupid and share it on the last 2 days of therapy.

It’s 2 days before Christmas, typically this has always been a huge trip back home to see family.  However, this year, I needed to break off all communication with my dad & mom (because of their part in my abuse). My siblings don’t understand, since they refuse to understand how mental illness works, even after I’ve tried to explain it to them. And somehow, I need to create a new and happy tradition for myself, my husband and sons.  Why does it work this way?

I realize this probably sounds like a bunch of nonsense blabbering…and it very well could be!  Truth is, I’m scared.  Scared of what this dream means. Scared for my parts, and who it affects.  Scared, that I don’t know how to react appropriately, or even when I should, or when to begin to own these memories.  Scared, I should not have said all of this to begin with, 2 days ago.

This was how it ended in therapy:

Therapist:  “So what are you feeling?”

Me (Insider):  “I don’t feel anything”

Therapist:  “I think you do”

Me (Insider):  “I don’t want to feel anything”

Therapist:  “It’s important that you do, and not harm yourself trying to keep it inside.  It hurts you and the others.”

Me (Insider):  “But, I don’t like how it feels”

 

**Didn’t post this when I finished, but decided to go ahead and publish it anyway.  Need to be honest!

 

 

 

 

Love and Joy for Christmas!

images

Christmas is love. John 3:16-17 says, “For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him.” Christmas is the celebration of this incredible act of love.

Christmas is the story of God, becoming a human being, in the Person of Jesus Christ. Why did God do such a thing? Because He loves us! Why was Christmas necessary? Because we needed a Savior! Why does God love us so much? Because He is LOVE.

The true meaning of Christmas is love. God loved His own and provided a way—the only Way—for us to spend eternity with Him. He gave His only Son to take our punishment for our sins. He paid the price in full, and we are free from condemnation when we accept that free gift of love. “But God demonstrated His own love for us in this: while we were still sinners, Christ died for us” (Romans 5:8).

I am overwhelmed by God’s love for me, most days.  It is difficult to believe that God could love someone like me, or at least that is what I used to think.  How could He forgive me??  I had so much garbage in my life, and never felt worthy of anyone’s love.  However, the Good News is, God loves us NO MATTER WHAT!  We are not what has been done to us, we are HIS child.  He offers us this free gift, His son Jesus, to accept and believe in, for our freedom and a life with Him someday.

Praying you feel HIS LOVE in ways unimaginable today and everyday!

 

not deserving…

sad

having a difficult evening.  good things can happen to me, and instead of embracing them, i sabotage them every time.  i want to be happy, feel loved, accepted, and trust others, but again, when those thoughts are displayed by others, i collapse on the inside.  no one knows, because i can’t verbalize the emptiness it creates.

this is not what god has for me or my life; i know that to be truth.  yet, over and over again, i find myself in this freaking pit.  “why can’t i trust you, god, why?  why do i create such difficulty in my life?  i want to believe every promise you’ve spoken, is in fact, a promise!”

so, the struggle with my flesh continues.  i want to shut down, numb out, hide away, because this is too much.  and if it too much for me, well then, it’s over the top, for those in my life, to handle.

the child within feels broken into pieces… i don’t have what it takes to reach in, hug her so tight, that her broken pieces come together.

young boy_edit2

 

Checking in for today

Good morning fellow bloggers!  Thought I would check in, don’t really have a topic to share.  I’m sure as I type, something will come to me, right? One of the joys of DID is that we are never without something to say…lol!

748537How about you give me some input on why my small Christmas tree, I’ve set aside for my little’s, is still sitting in the same place without lights or decorations??  The plan was to go to Hobby Lobby, let them all choose an ornament, then decorate their tree…sounds easy, right?  So, why haven’t I done anything with it yet?  I went to Hobby Lobby Saturday, spent 4 hours (apparently) and came home with nothing!  Talk about lost time-geesh!

Now on Tuesday, I was able to cut out and bake Christmas cookies, decorate them aIMG_2613nd allow all the little ones to choose their cookies, colors, and sprinkles.  We had a great time, and they made special ones for my husband, kids, and our therapist.  There isn’t anything better than homemade cut-out cookies with melt-in-your-mouth icing (of all different colors).  I think this was the first year I had to create purple icing, and that was for Mary.  She loves purple.

brown-and-gold-Christmas-Tree-decor….back to my tree dilemma.  I want them to have this tree and individual ornaments, but something is blocking the path for me.  I know it has to do with not being able to put my own ornaments on the tree growing up, because our tree had to be “pretty”.  White lights, gold or burgundy bulbs, fancy things stuck randomly in the tree (I guess the designers said so), and all the wrapping paper on the packages had to match the tree too.

 

When I had my own family, it wasn’t long before my mom “suggested” we do that same thing in our remodeled Victorian home.  “It would look nicer”, she said. Now all my decorations are from her decorator and I have one box left of my own things.  These things are precious to me, because it includes my husbands childhood ornaments, mine, our boys, and things we have accumulated together.

I guess I need to go for it!  Start with the lights and see what happens….

 

My first DID coffee talk

Today I had my first invitation to sit down with some ladies and talk about my DID.  Now, before you get too excited for me or think I must be overly brave today, it was for 3 therapists.  One is a friend of mine, who began my journey with DID 3 years ago, when I put a name with what was happening to me.  The other two were colleagues/supervisor.  They had not seen or observed many, if any clients with DID.  They had questions for my friend, and since she has been around me for 3 years, she felt like I would be a better fit to answer their questions.

But you still wonder why?  Well, here is the short answer.  If I happen to say something that would help even one of their clients with DID, it was worth it. And if they only heard one thing that would help them, as therapist’s, work with DID clients…it was also worth it!

She asked me over week ago, and I agreed to attend.  However, totally unlike me, I completely forgot until she called last night.  Maybe it was good to not dwell on it for a week, or be nervous about how it may unfold. They were very kind, and grateful that I would come to field any questions they may have.  The first thing I said was that I am not an expert, and I can only speak from my own experiences.  Those of us with DID know, first, that we are all uniquely different, but second, we are very similar at the same time.  Which only helps us, at times put words to what is happening or confirmation and validity to our experiences.  It is a way to connect and support each other on this difficult and grueling journey to healing.

I had an hour, that literally flew by, to tell a brief starting point with my diagnosis, discuss parts and their behaviors, triggers, switching, therapy: what works and what doesn’t, what my husband and children think and if they are supportive, have I ever lost time-lol, etc.  It went well, for the most part, until…

The table next to us showed up half way through the meeting, and with them a 3-4 yr. old little girl.  She was directly in front of me, over the shoulder of one of the therapists.  She was coloring, laughing, talking, playing- you get the picture.  When the ladies asked about triggers, I decided to keep it real, and responded that directly behind them was a child that I want to leave this table for, so we can color together.  And while I tried to keep myself present, in the conversation, this is what played in my head:

Girls:  Hey, we want to go over there and color.

Me:  No, remember what I said about staying in your rooms today?

Girls:  But she wants us to color with her, really!

Me:  Perhaps, but this is not the time or place.  Remember, I am here to meet these ladies.

Girls:  But we wanna color, pleeeaaasssse!

Me:  I know, but let’s wait until we get home.

Girls:  She won’t be there.

Me: Yes, but you can still color.

Girls:  But she likes us, can we go?

Me:  Sorry, not right now.

And just when I think I have things under control, the little girl gets up, walks over to our table, lays her coloring page down and walks away.  Seriously???  Her mom turns around and says she decided that your table needed this picture…I’m thinking to myself, duh!!

Now, I am rubbing one leg, shaking the other, trying to remember the question, while thinking, “Stay present, stay present, stay present”, and checking the faces of these women because they are totally aware.

All in all, it went well and I told them I would be happy to do it again- in a more private environment.  No need to be in public, with potential triggers, talking about trauma, and switching, right?

I had sent a text to my therapist prior to leaving the house.  Since I had forgotten, she wasn’t aware either.  I try to run things by her that are out of the ordinary, although, I don’t always listen to her input.  Yikes!  She voiced that I am her first DID client (one of many, many) that has ever wanted or agreed to speak about DID.  She followed that statement with the word, “interesting” . What is that about?  How do I take that statement?  That’s when I shared that if I help only one person today, it will be worth it.  I believed it then, and still believe it now.

Awareness is half the battle…and I am willing to go to war if something I say or do will make a difference in the mental illness, abuse, PTSD… arena.

Blessings!

71fdce4ada24f712dc7aa519161c44a9

Random thoughts for today

Last night was rough.  I didn’t sleep well, felt sick, battling the effects of throwing up again.  Why do these things keep happening?
romans-7-15-blog-1

I feel angry inside, but not sure why.  I spent most of the day trying to put Christmas decorations up.  I finally reached that place where I knew I had to jump right in and begin.  However, the moment I tried, I was constantly being distracted by all sorts of things.  Here is what went on after I told my  husband I was ready…

  • went and colored my hair
  • decided sweep the leaves outside
  • then in the garage
  • started more laundry
  • opened Christmas containers and closed them over and over
  • walked around in circles from room to room
  • repaired odd things that were broken-not important

So, you see, my attempts where met by unnecessary distractions.  Finally, many, many hours later-we have decorations. I’m not sure how I even feel about it yet.  I didn’t put up things that seemed to trigger uneasy emotions- and there were several of them!  My husband was very kind and asked before he put things up.  He is terrific and I love him bunches!  He puts up with so very much from me…grateful.

Most of the night, I seemed to be in a fog. At times it wasn’t so bad, and other times I wanted to get out of here.  More than once, I wanted to throw things, smash them, watch them shatter into pieces. It reminded me of my childhood, abuse, and how my family covers it all up!  Always having to look good on the outside, so no one really sees what is raging inside. I am sure that was my teenage part.  She was very angry.  I felt my biggest battle happened internally with her.  It went something like this:

B:  Why are we doing this?

Me:  Because it’s important.

B:  To who?

Me:  To all of us, but the little girls need a happy Christmas this year.

B:  I don’t need it.

Me:  Maybe you do.

B:  I don’t think so, it is stupid.

Me:  Why? 

B: Doesn’t make things go away…nothing will change.

Me:  Like what?

B:  Things I don’t want to think about.  Anyway, you let them all control you again- and they won.

Me:  Who won?  I wasn’t controlled.

B:  Bullshit! You let your husband talk you into it, and the counselor.  You never stand up for yourself!

Me: I think they were trying to be helpful.  I was unsure.

B:  Exactly!  You are never sure.

Me:  I am sorry you are upset.  What can I do to help you?

B:  Nothing!  You’ve done enough…

Ugh! That is how my conversation with her went.  No real answers, strong statements, because she is very guarded.  I feel bad because I want everyone to enjoy a new start at Christmas.  Although, I often wonder if she is right about listening to others.  I will say, I wanted my therapist to be on my side when I talked about not wanting to participate in Christmas.  Maybe it was too extreme. But I will admit to feeling a bit “put off” that she didn’t say, “Don’t do it, if you don’t want too.”  Or maybe it’s what I wanted to hear….I hate being indecisive and not knowing!

There seems to be several things attached to Christmas.  I feel uneasy, nervous, somewhat afraid, and unsettled all at the same time.  Maybe it’s pressure to make it different, because what if it isn’t!  I do want to enjoy it, but I guess I don’t know how.  I feel vulnerable inside.  It will be important for me to communicate with those in my “circle” of support.  Of course, there’s that little issue of Holidays=Vacation.

In the past, my therapist has let me know, on my last visit, prior to her vacation, that she was taking time off.  I realize she did this so that I wouldn’t dwell on it weeks ahead of time, or get my self worked up and afraid.  Maybe it’s a compliment to my progress that I found out 3 weeks ago what days she would be gone.  I was proud of myself for the progress, and glad she told me…..but now it seems overwhelming!  Of course, it makes sense that everyone takes vacation, and especially between Christmas and New Year’s.  But right now, it feels scary that I won’t be able to see here, talk through the struggles, and make sense of the things I may be feeling. Now, if there is anyone deserving of vacation, it is her!  I am not saying that at all! I would take a year off, if I had to me as a client.  She is an incredible therapist, and I am truly blessed to have her.

I wouldn’t want to admit to any of that, because I don’t want to seem “needy” or so “messed up” that I can’t survive!  Sometimes I find it very difficult to actually say what I really need.  Is it because I don’t know? Or that I put too much on others.  Either way, it’s a daily struggle.

Anyway, those are my random thoughts for today…

 

 

 

It’s Christmas time, oh my!

Didn’t get much sleep last night, not quit sure why this continues to happen.  Oh, I am aware that this is a normal happening of my DID, but it does get a bit frustrating. I know it is when most of my parts are active, but lately they seem quiet- and I suppose that could be a cause for concern too.

I believe, however, the reason is Christmas.  I struggle during  the holiday times, as I am sure most of you do as well.  This is my year of firsts….my first year to have zero contact with my parents.  Because they play a major role in my childhood abuse, at some point I knew I needed to find separation.

Just like my post yesterday; even though I know it’s unhealthy, I want my mom.  The same is true at the holidays, in that it’s Christmas, and aren’t we supposed to be with family, celebrating, and doing traditional things??  It feels like a push-pull feeling inside:  I want to-it’s not a good idea, maybe just this once-it would be bad for me and my parts, this time is could be different-tried that already…

My therapist and I discussed making Christmas different this year.  We had a good plan, even though I wanted her to encourage me not to participate in decorating, cookie baking, shopping, etc.  How does that happen? Just when I think she is letting me off the hook-bam!  Oh, I am sure it will be for the best.  It is always kind of funny when she blindsides me though. Ha!

Yesterday, I sat around thinking of asking my husband to collect the items from the attic, but I couldn’t.  Today as I sit here, it’s raining outside, cold, nothing to do, and wouldn’t this be the perfect day for decorating and making iced, cut-out, sugar cookies??  Well, yes it would!  But…I am fighting inside to make it happen.

Not sure if there are parts of me that do not want to celebrate this time of year.  As a I type this, I think that could be a dumb question- I won’t mention any names. I know the little ones are excited, because I took them shopping yesterday. My focus was completely messed up, and I felt like the dog from the movie “UP”- squirrel!  Every little light, sound, twinkle, toy, gift, and even the crowds, made for a day of chaos. I think I was gone for 4 hours, not sure what all happened, but we did get some things.

So, the question is why am I decorating?  My boys are 20 and 22, pretty sure they don’t care.  I know I don’t, but my husband wants to do something.  The little ones on the inside want to have Christmas, but if I’m undone, what good is it going to be?  I start to feel absolutely inadequate when it comes to decorating.  I don’t know where to put things, because I always had my critical, controlling and judgmental mom to help.  This is probably why, since I was 12 yrs. old, I drink on Christmas Eve-sometimes the entire bottle of wine!  This is also when my bulimia gets revved back up into full gear.

I also struggle with knowing why we celebrate this time of year, why it gets so out of control and that we really do miss the real reason.  It really is simply this:  Because of God’s great love for us, He gave us the greatest gift of all, when He sent His Son to this earth. Why?  That one day, He would die for us, to take all our sins away and give us yet another gift-salvation-if we believed in Him! That is the Good News of great JOY!

….and I’m sure that dirty stable, where Jesus was born, was not decked out in colored, blinking lights, greenery, pretty wrapped gifts, carols being sung by a fire, families arguing and fighting,  and crowds of angry people trying to get the latest deals!  Those large angry crowds came later….but that’s another story!

I understand that God gave something extremely precious to us all, and that we would model that during this time.  But we take it all too far.  We buy gifts for people we shouldn’t, spend more money than we have, get things we don’t need, and miss the simplicity of it all.

I want to buy 7 gifts, and they are for the people in my life that I care deeply for and wouldn’t be here without them.  I’m not spending much, but the message behind the gift is simple….thank you for giving to me!  I couldn’t EVER  pay them back, with money or things, for what they have given to me.  My prayer would be that God would bless their lives, exceedingly, abundantly, more than they could dare, ask, or ever imagine!  If I could wrap that up, I would!

Will I overcome the feelings of making my home look like Christmas?  I don’t know.  It’s not like talking about it again will make it better.  Not like the Christmas police will come and write me up a ticket. So, we’ll just have to wait and see…

God, give me the strength and courage to follow You today.  Guide my thoughts and actions, and keep my focus on You!  I trust You will show me what to do, even in the midst of my chaos.  Thank you for loving me so much, that I matter to You, and whatever I choose- I’ll still be good.

1christmas-2011

Blessings!

 

but…”I just want my mom”

child_hand_reaching_out-t2I don’t know how many times I have heard that cry from the depth of my being, from the parts of me, the young children, who never experienced what the love of a mother is all about.  They desperately want a mom who will consistently, love them unconditionally, nurture them, hold and care for them, comfort and show compassion for them and listen without criticism or judgment.  The cries, at times, seems overwhelmingly painful, cries I cannot comfort.  Why can’t I help them?  The answer is simple:  I just want my mom too!  The age old saying, “You can’t give what you don’t have”  was beaten into my head while working in ministry.  I hated knowing that I was not good enough as a child and then finding out I was still not good enough as an adult.

We found ways to comfort ourselves though, ways that were unhealthy, but brought a sense of comfort all the same.  For some of us it was an, eating disorder, alcohol, exercise, prescription drugs, cutting, stealing, and perfectionism.  While the littles, simply saw no boundaries and attached themselves to anyone who would show love. These behaviors are a desperate attempt to be “good enough” or fill that emptiness within.

I have learned that I may never get what I so intensely need.  She may never change, and I have to accept that.  The other day, my therapist said something I have let swirl about in my head.  She said that, she believes, God can give us someone in our lives to replace that “mom”, or He gives us friendships that have attributes of the things we never received (simply hugging me when I’m sobbing uncontrolably), or maybe He does it all by Himself….because He is God and He can!  At times I believe this to be true, but others times I’m not sure.

However here is an example:

I think about never being rocked as a child.  My husband, on the other hand was always rocked by his mom.  To this day, he rocks so hard, that the base of the chair comes off the floor.  Now that is some serious rocking! In the past year, I have found myself crawling up in his lap and letting him rock me.  He loves it, for many reasons.  But for me, it is allowing him to hold all of us, rock us, offering us comfort and a safe place to be.  I know that is a sweet gift God gave me in my husband.

Our need for a mother or father’s love and approval almost out weighs the need for oxygen. Parents can be so emotionally reserved or detached, they have no idea their child is left with a gnawing ache for affection and/or approval. As a result, there is an unfillable hole in us that refuses to diminish even after we have grown into adulthood.

Some of us suffering this way can minimize the significance of having felt deprived of love as a child. We may even justify the abusive behavior.  However, like malnutrition in a child can have serious, long-term complications, so can the feeling of being unloved, abandoned, and unwanted. Unfortunately, this unmet desire for a parents approval or love can not only last a lifetime, it can evolve into a gut-wrenching, painful, empty feeling of inadequacy that produces an ongoing need to be “good enough,” or even result in self-hatred.

All of this can separate us from a relationship with God and what He wants to do for us. I’m challenging myself to seek God for this healing- this horrible feeling of emptiness.  He cares deeply for me, for all of us!  He wants to restore what has been lost.

“Jesus loves me this I know, for the bible tells me so.  Little ones to Him belong, they are weak, but He is strong.  Yes, Jesus loves me! Yes, Jesus loves me! Yes, Jesus loves me.  The bible tells me so”.

FullSizeRender-8
Cindy (my inner artist) drew this for my younger part who was was afraid, but eventually able to reach out and take the hand of someone who cared.