Today was therapy, and I’ll have to say, my therapist is the best! She came in today to see us. Everyone likes her, well the older ones fight with her at times, because they don’t like to be told what to do. Overall, there is mutual respect between them.
We talked mostly about Thanksgiving, not being around family or contacting them. My sister sent me a text though, and it made my day! She and I both cried; I miss her and her girls the most! We had a great day, the 4 of us around the table, delicious food, fun times and new memories. I am glad my husband and boys are so supportive. I love them dearly!
After therapy, I decided to go into work for a few hours and catch up on calls and emails. That is when my emotional hangover began. Maybe it was thinking about talking to my sister, or thinking that maybe, somehow, perhaps, my parents were sorry for what they had done. It’s wishing and wanting something that you will never have….it brings tears to my eyes every time. These are the days I wish I didn’t have DID, or that my life seemed more normal- whatever that is, right??
One major conversation we are having in therapy is with my 7 year old little girl. She wakes up every night with pain in her legs from her abuse. I hate body memories, and the pain it causes. I feel so helpless when the young ones struggle. Anyway, she told our therapist that she used to have a baby doll, but our mom threw it away. And all she wants is a doll. Now, that seems like an easy task and I should be able to make that happen. Unfortunately, there are all kinds of reasons I haven’t been able to get her one. Maybe my fear of getting the right one, or disappointing her somehow. I can only remember having that one doll, so I am not sure I can do it.
I realized today, that I don’t go down the doll isle when I’m in a toy department. I had boys, so there was never a need, and I’ve stayed away from buying my nieces dolls in the past. I need some courage. Or maybe I need to somehow push through the tension….
I hate emotions and tears! It seems like that is all I do-cry!
“I don’t like the memories because the tears come easily, and once again I break my promise to myself for this day. It’s a constant battle. A war between remembering and forgetting.”