Today started off like most days, up at 5:30am (actually much earlier), made some bad coffee, met my friend at 6am to run 5 miles, and back home to get ready for my 3hr. Friday therapy session.
In the 2 1/2 hours before therapy, I manage to cry for 2hrs., loose time somewhere in there, and head out the door wearing my son’s XXL sweatshirt, leggings, and cowboy boots. Now, if I were a young, trendy, high school student, planning on hanging out with my friends, I might be dressed appropriately (Maybe).
However, I’m a 47 year old wife and mother of two adult sons…get the picture. I’m sure my therapist had lots to say, but was kind enough to not bring it to my attention. The important thing is, it all matched. 🙂
In my last post, I shared my struggles to own and feel what my parts were sharing in therapy. Today we discussed some possible changes, and an idea she wanted to try, that had worked with other clients. I am grateful for my therapist for many reasons, but mostly because she prays for me, my parts, and allows the Holy Spirit to guide our sessions. She is a blessing to “all of us”, and God is using her, her wisdom and discernment to bring about healing.
On Tuesday’s my therapy is an hour and a half, and I have been leaving there very disoriented. I’ve been having a hard time “coming back” after I’ve switched. Usually, a part takes up most of the time and we are left with 5 minutes to debrief. That simply does not work for me and I don’t know what to do with the information that was shared. My therapist hates sending me out the door, but she has clients waiting and a job to do.
Some days I sit in the lobby, but that feels weird, so I end up getting in my car and completely dissociating. Unfortunately, the end result is me smoking and drinking somewhere. My teenage parts take over and do things I don’t. Thankfully my husband tracks my phone, and always knows where to find me, if I don’t respond. The downside to that is, if I don’t leave the parking lot, it looks like I’m still there.
Anyway, all that to say, we needed a better plan for my parts to share, and me to debrief before I leave her office. She had the idea of being more structured. We would ask a part who needed to talk, or one that was struggling to come out in the beginning of our session. Then for me to close myself off from hearing- like behind a closed door with a window, so I can still see. Then she can hear from and discuss things with each part, bring me back to discuss what was said, and help me process my feelings.
Maybe this isn’t a new idea for those of you with DID, but it was for me and it worked great. If felt weird to “prepare myself” for the switch and call out a specific part. I also realize not one treatment plan or approach works the same for everyone, and each of us heal differently.
I am excited to see how this continues, but I’m also prepared for those days when things “just happen”. It was a small victory today, and we both felt much better afterwards. And I was able to go to work afterwards, so that was another positive step.