Well, these past 3 weeks have been a major struggle with my DID and processing trauma. I am sad more than normal, cry more than I’d like, and want to isolate more than what is healthy. I think the worst kind of sadness, is the kind you simply cannot explain.
I have been, what I call, “on the fast track” to healing. Now, it certainly has it’s ups and downs and this is one of those down times. I see my therapist twice a week for a total of 4.5 hours. Yes, that seems like a great deal of time, but some weeks it feels like I was barely there.
I am realizing that my struggle to own what has happened to me is making it hard to move forward. In the beginning of my therapy, I was not able to hear parts share their stories of trauma and abuse. That has its pros and cons, but eventually, I needed to hear everything. We call that co-consciousness in the DID world, being able to hear the parts of me share. Anyway, I still struggle with that when the abuse is extreme. I block it, or the part blocks me from hearing it. Since it has been their job to protect me, they continue doing that even though the abuse is no longer happening. It’s a long process of a part feeling safe enough to “come out” and talk, share the painful information, hope someone believes them-this time, making sure they understand that this is present day and the abuse is no longer happening. Whew! That is a lot for young, little, parts.
Now, I can empathize with each part, feel the hurt, and nurture them better than I used too. As a mom, former elementary school teacher, and children’s pastor, I have had lots of practice. But someday’s it feels way to overwhelming to even listen. It makes me sick inside to think people, a relative, or a boyfriend could do such horrible things. I want to run out of my therapist’s office and never return. However, it is the only way for all of us to come together, find wholeness, love, comfort and healing.
As far as me taking in the information from each part, processing it all, hurting for them, loving and helping them with the next steps; I am finding it very difficult to see myself in the “story”. I don’t want to be present with those feelings.
While thinking through why that is, I’ve come up with one of 3 things or even all of them, for that matter:
- I am on the fast track, going to quickly through the trauma, and missing out on what I really need hear and process for myself.
- When I have felt it, and owned it, I just can’t believe that it could have happened without my knowing- I know, I know, that is why I have DID. I couldn’t handle it, and had to escape.
- When I am able to understand it, and feel it, I become child-like. Maybe that is normal, but I want to be taken care of like a child would, but I’m actually 47 yrs. old. I want my mom-but she is emotionally unavailable, doesn’t believe me, can’t love unconditionally, and has never nurtured myself or my siblings. And my dad was one of my abusers. I have had no contact with them for the past year.
Why is it that every child wants their mom or dad, no matter what they have done to them?? So, when I experience #3, I don’t know where to go to get “taken care of”.
I have an awesome, supportive, loving husband and two adult sons who are always there for me. Some how that is not the same. I have a very small circle of female friends (all therapists, can you believe), and a godly, christian therapist, who has been a true gift from God, that is walking me through this journey. And yet, the child in me longs for something I can never have.
These are my down days, days I don’t trust well, days I want to go into hiding, days I want to run far away, days I feel like I’m going crazy! But I am a survivor, no longer a victim, and I can find freedom. I need to remember that I never have to apologize for the ways I’ve survived!