I realize this sounds terrible, as a believer and follower of Jesus. I also realize that Sunday’s and being a Christian doesn’t necessarily go hand in hand. To most, it’s a day to go to church and worship. It doesn’t make me a bad person for hating Sunday’s. For me, it is a day of sadness, tears and not wanting to deal with having DID.
Going to church on Sunday mornings, have typically been, my whole life, a requirement. I either felt like, as a child, I would go to hell if I didn’t go, or as an adult, I needed to be an active servant. I’m finally realizing I’ve never really learned to “go to church” and just “be”. This saying I learned years ago, “We are human BEings, not human DOings” has been eye opening this past month.
I am a DOer, I am not ashamed to say it! I’m a type A personality, ISTJ, or Type 1-Perfectionist on the Enneagram . Things are right or wrong, black or white, up or down, hot or cold, in or out, my way or the highway…you get the point. However, I have been making great strides towards seeing both sides to things, letting go of perfection, and accepting that things are GOOD enough! After all, God created each day and it says in Genesis 1:31, “Then God looked over all he had made, and he saw that it was very good!”
So, I have been going to church on Saturday nights instead, for the past 5 weeks. Since being diagnosed with DID, I haven’t been able to go to any type of church without crying. I don’t know why that is; I guess that could be a great question for my therapist. It doesn’t make sense why I would cry every Sunday, but I do, and it would be helpful to understand why.
This is my typical ‘Sunday Spiral’, as I have officially named it. I don’t sleep well, so I’m up very early, start the coffee brewing, do my bible study or work outside in the yard. Then the tears come at some point, early on, out of nowhere. As I’m crying, I feel a deep sense of loss and disconnection with the people in my life- either good or bad. I feel very alone, although, I am surrounded by a great support system who care and love me very much. My thoughts then turn to questioning whether I have DID or if I’m just crazy, which I know is false (the ‘I’m just crazy’part). I start thinking if I didn’t have DID, I wouldn’t be such a burden on family and friends, have my full time job back, getting my masters degree, not feeling so overwhelmed, losing time, not having flashbacks, painful memories, struggling with my parts and their trauma, I would be visiting my hometown and seeing family and friends…But the truth is, I have DID, and I am on a journey of healing. It takes a long time, hard work, perseverance, being gentle on myself, hearing painful events, and walking through them each week in therapy. God gave me a gift (dissociation) to survive the things I have been through, and I can’t let the negative thoughts take over…
But the tears keep flowing! Then I hit rock bottom, start contemplating canceling all my therapy sessions, not taking my meds, quit letting my parts have “out time” and start telling myself that it is safe to contact my family of origin. I start thinking they were not at fault and I should get over it. Now that would be a big fat lie, but this is how my ‘Sunday Spiral’ plays out in my mind.
My parents are some of my abusers. And they couldn’t figure out why I quit communicating with them. So, I decided to send “the letter” explaining my diagnosis/DID, my abuse, their lack of ownership, belief, and support- it was a total back fire. My oldest sibling was outraged, told me I made it all up, even after he admitted to the same treatment from our parents, he told me I was going to hell, said he tore up the letter and didn’t want to discuss it ever again. He added that “everyone” is sick of this, mental illness is not real and I needed to just get over it! It was shocking to say the least.
By noon, I’m a mess, unable to function, and I want to completely isolate from the world! Needless to say, unlike most of America, I cannot wait until Monday morning arrives!!
That was a major vent, and probably didn’t make much sense…but somehow it feels good to get it out.